The Beginning After the End

Date Day pt 2 - Keeping Grounded

Ok Ik y'all are probably really mad at me for not getting this chapter out sooner, but if you don't follow my instagram I have been sick (no I don't have rona but I did have a virus) and burnt out, as well as being swamped with work

I also started reading this really interesting book on BPD (the mental illness Joana has) its called "I Hate You-Dont Leave Me" by Jerold J Kreisman so if y'all have any interest in the psychology of mental illnesses I highly rec. but trigger warning there is some pretty mature shit in there so just be careful, it could fuck you up if you have a past with that stuff.

Tams POV:
Irene came into the kitchen and I could immediately tell she was not herself. I put the pan of eggs down and walked over to hug her, I held her tight not saying a word. I let go a few seconds later, held her hands and asked "are you okay?" , she said "ya" but her tone was unsure, I brought my hands to her face so she would stop looking at the floor and look at me. I sofly stroked her cheek with my thumb and said "there's my beautiful girl", then I kissed her and that seemed to liven her mood a bit (she gave me a half smile, the one that is kind of forced when someone wants to convince someone else they are happy, when inside they are not) . I wanted to do a lot more but I knew that if I asked anything else Irene would freeze up and give me a cold "I'm fine" so I thought it was best to let her come to me. I kissed her head and while she sat down at the table, I finished plating our food. I set the white dishes down and said "breakfast is served.... sorry there's no salmon..... and all I know how to cook is scrambled eggs... but at least it's not brown or in a cup", she giggled at my comment and it felt good to make her smile. "So, what do you wanna do today?" she asked "what?" I said completely taken aback by her change in demeanor, she repeated her question and I said "I may or may not have a few things in store...", "TAM... you sneak, why didn't you tell me?" she said, I sighed "to be honest babe, I'm worried about you" I exclamed "...the girl who walked in this kitchen a few moments ago isn't the same one I left in the bathroom...I was just wondering if you were ok", and as I predicted she said "I'm fine" putting her hand on mine and following that up with "trust me if something was wrong  I would tell you...", "Okay babe" I said "I trust you.... so are you down for my surprise day of dates?", I said getting excited about my plans once more, "totally" she exclaimed

Irenes POV:
I have no clue why I lied to her... why I didn't just say "No Tam I'm not fine and here's why...", old habits die hard I guess. On the bright side I was genuinely excited about the
"surprise day of dates" or whatever she called it, this was just another example of how Tam puts me at ease without even knowing it... just a few seconds ago I was having a panic attack about how I would feel if she left me, now she's sitting in front of me telling me all about how she wanted the day after she got engaged to be perfect, and she hopes I like what she planned. To be honest I could never not have a good time when Im with her, she is all I need. Though I still felt a pit in my stomach...my discomfort earlier was caused by the guilt of not telling her absolutely everything, but but this is from the fear that if I do tell her, the day won't be as amazing as she thought, and it would be my fault. I could feel my mind racing again but the feeling of a warm soft hand on mine, snapped me out of it... " you ok guapa?"  she asked "wha- oh, ya" I said, "alright" she replied, "cause you kind of spaced out for a minute..... do you think you will be bored?" she asked, "no No NO Tam not at all, it's just—......uughhhh... I jus......." my words were coming out broken and choppy as a result of me being nervous that I might've upset her, she turned my hands over and started brushing her fingertips on my palms (something she knew helped ease my anxiety) and in the gentlest tone she could utter said "just breathe", I took a deep breath, collected my thoughts, and said "I was just in my head.... it's okay... I started getting panicky about silly things and it was a bit overwhelming" I looked up into her chestnut eyes filled with love and worry and said "but now I'm okay" with a half smile at the end in hopes to convince her that that was the truth. The expected look in her eyes turned to disappointment, and I knew why. I knew it hurt her that she couldn't help me, well.... that I wasn't letting her help me, but I didn't wanna have this conversation at the kitchen table, I wanted to tell her later after a bit of fun, so we finished the food and at the end of our meal I took care of our plates, then we went in the room to get ready.