Reason To Live [COMPLETED]

I Can't

TW:
Abuse
Suicide
Blood

Killua parts ways with Gon at the intersection. He starts walking home, but before long he runs into a tall familiar figure.

"Kil. I thought you'd be going on another unapproved outing after school." Illumi's dead eyes glare.

Killua stops himself from shaking. "Are you here to walk me home or something, aniki?"

"Yeh." Illumi nods.

Killua sighs, following Illumi to his car. "Why?"

"Mother isn't happy with you. You've been going out without permission quite often lately. She wanted me to make sure you came home right away."

Killua shivers, buckling up in his seat. He knows what's waiting for him at home. His mother is a scary creature. His older brothers, too.

-Elswwhere-

Gon skips along the side of the road, smiling to himself. Killua's been opening up to him a lot over the past week. And Gon really feels like he's made a very important friend.

But then Gon remembers the scars all over Killua's body. At first, Gon thought Killua had made them himself. But Kalluto's behavior made him think otherwise. Those scars were inflicted onto Killua by someone else.

It made Gon unexplainably angry.

Gon wants nothing more than to save Killua from the hell he lives through.

"Oh, Gon!" A familiar blonde waves their hand for Gon to see.

"Kurapika..?" Gon raises an eyebrow, approaching his friend. "What's up?"

"Oh nothing much. Where's Killua? I thought you guys walk home together."

"We do. He and I just split up back there, since after that point we live in completely different directions." Gon shrugs.

"Oh, okay. That makes sense." Kurapika smiles. "Anyways. Are you free? Leorio and I were going to study at the library and get coffee. Would've liked to have Killua with us too, but it seems like I was just barely too late."

"Sure!" Gon grins, following Kurapika to the town library.

"I'll give you a ride home since you'd be walking at a later time." Kurapika offers.

"Oh, thanks. That'd be great."

Leorio waves Gon and Kurapika over. It seems Zushi is also there. Gon sits next to Kurapika, and partakes of the donuts and cookies in the middle of the table.

-A Few Hours Later-

"Oh Gon." Zushi speaks up. "Are you and Killua dating now or what?"

Gon chokes on his coffee.

"Wh- I beg your pardon?"

"Oh come onnnn." Kurapika groans. "Everyone can see the way you look at eachother. Plus, you're together every single chance you get. You walk home together. You sneak out together. You go on romantic dates to Mito-san's bakery like thrice a week!"

"He's my best friend, of course we do stuff like that all the time." Gon rolls his eyes.

"Gon. I know you're oblivious to stuff like this but you can't be that oblivious." Leorio scoffs. "The way you look at him. Like he's the most stunning, magical being in all the Earth. You don't know it but that's love. The romantic kind."

"Plus you were checking him out earlier." Zushi reminds everyone.

Gon's eyes widen. He opens his mouth, but soon closes it. He thinks for a moment. "Uhm..."

"Alright. Let me ask you this." Kurapika sighs. "Think of what it would be like to kiss him. Do you like the idea of that?"

Gon imagines it. "U-uhm..."

"That's a yes." Kurapika continues. "Now what about doing other things with him?"

Gon blushes immensely.

"I rest my case." Kurapika holds his hands out at either side of him and Zushi and Leorio slap his hands in triumph.

Gon's eyes widen when he comes to terms with this. "Y- you mean..?"

"You like Killua." Kurapika smiles.

"Holy shit." Gon covers his mouth. I'm an utter idiot. Damnit. No wonder I get butterflies every time I see him.

-Elswwhere-

Killua stifles the cries threatening to escape his mouth as he lies on the cold tile flooring. He curls up in the expanding pool of blood. His white hair turned pink from bloodstains.

He should've known better than to continue living.

He should've known better than to hope.

Killua tries to lift himself, but is far too weakened. He sighs, surrendering to the fact that he'll have to just lay there in a pool of his own blood.

- Hours Later -

Killua feels just a little bit of his strength has returned by now. Enough for him to get up and head to his room. He locks himself inside and leans against the door. Tears stream down the sides of his face.

"Why?" Is all that he can choke out.

Why am I like this? Why don't you love me? Why is it so wrong for me to have fun? Why does it have to be like this? What's the point in living if no one really loves you? Why am I putting up with this? Why continue?

"I... I can't." Killua sobs. "I can't... I ca-an't die. I can't. I can't." His voice cracks as he sinks to the floor. "I can't. I can't. Gon he-"

He'd never love me. Not the way I love him.

"That's not true. It can't be." Killua shakes his head, desperately trying to rid himself of the voice in the back of his mind that he decided to name "Anxiety". Even though it's really his own thoughts. His self doubt masking itself as his conscience. "N- no-o. It can't be." His voice gets higher as it cracks. "No- *hic*"

No one could love me. No one but you.

You were always the only one. Always by my side. Always. And I was always there for you, too. But when you needed me most, I wasn't there. I need you. I've always needed you. Please.

Killua walks to his dresser, and pulls one of his blades out from a drawer. He walks over to his bed, lays down, and pulls the covers over. If he lies out in the open, someone would notice it sooner. And they would call an ambulance.

Killua takes a breath, his hand shaking as he holds it to his throat.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Please... I just want to see you again.

Alluka. Nanika.

.
.
.

Illumi knocks on Killua's door violently. "Killua! Mother and father want you down for dinner now! You're late!"

There's no response.

"That's it- I'm coming in!" Illumi slams his body against the door, busting it open. He sees the covers drawn over Killua's body. "Really? You're sleeping?"

Illumi walks over and rips the blankets off of him, only to have his breath knocked out of him by the sight before him.

Killua lay here, throat slit open, and the bed not even able to absorb the sheer amount of blood.

"Mother! Father!" Illumi shrieks at the top of his lungs, tears beginning to sting the corners of his eyes. He sees that the blood is still pumping out, meaning Killua is still alive. He puts his hands on Killua's neck to try and stop the bleeding.

"Illumi what-" Kalluto comes in. He halts, completely frozen when his eyes find a sobbing Illumi desperately trying to stop Killua's throat from splurting blood.

"Oi Mother is losing patience-" Milluki pushes Kalluto's numb body to the side. His eyes widen, stopping in his tracks. "W-what the hell..."

A/N: Merry Crisis🥳🎉🥂🎄🎁 Teehee...