Shy (18+)

nausea

It's been three weeks since I last saw Louvain and my days all seemed to blur together into one long continuous bleakness. Sometimes I found myself thinking that my time with him was nothing but a fevered hallucination.

I kept replaying our final moments together. They seemed to run on a loop inside of my head, drowning out the rest of the world. I call him just to hear his voicemail, though I've accepted by now that he might never return my calls.

I used to think I knew what pain was. How naive of me. Nothing I've ever experienced could have prepared me for the bone-deep loss I felt now. His eyes, his lips, his body. The memories were more real to me than real life.

And every night, every night, he was in my dreams.

"Hey," I heard Bonnie call out weakly from the doorway, coffee and pastries in tow. I was grateful for her. The first week I was nearly catotonic. I barely ate, I cried for hours on end, I blew off all of my classes and I festered in my own self loathing. She was there for me, however, and never left my side. I'm sure her grades have suffered and I couldn't help feeling guilty for monopolizing all of her time.

"Hi." I whispered numbly. I still haven't returned to class, and at this point all of my plans and goals for the future seemed to crumble into nothing. How could I live without him? There seemed to be no point at all, to any of it. Bonnie had spoken with our advisor, telling him that I was mourning the death of a loved one in order to explain my absence and give me and my scholarship a month's reprieve. Time was running out however and I couldn't find it in me to feel any sense of urgency.

"Caramel Latte? Raspberry danish?" She offered, sitting at the edge of my bed. I took the coffee, giving her a brief thankful wisp of a smile.

"You should eat. You've lost so much weight, you know. You look so fragile." She whispered, brushing back my grimey hair. "Do you want a bath?"

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I just want to lay here."

"I know you loved him and I know that last day was . . . unexpected." She said carefully, "But Shy, you can't break because he's gone. You weren't even dating for very long -"

"You don't understand." A teardrop fell. "I think we're destined for eachother. We fit together so perfectly. A piece of me has died and I don't think I'll ever get it back."

She bit her lip, looking very sad. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Shy." She seemed to struggle with something, then appeared to give in. "Please don't hate me, I was just trying to protect you. I really thought I could have lost you that first week, I was so terrified of what you would try to do-"

My eyebrows drew together in confusion, apprehension twisting inside of me, turning my stomach. I felt nauseous. "What are you trying to say Bonnie?"

"Killian and I have been talking." She whispered, her shoulders hunched as if expecting me to blow. "He told me Louvain is back in the city."

I nearly wretched, the nausea too much to bear. I ran to the bathroom, nearly tripping over my own feet to reach the toilet bowl. All I could taste was coffee and bile.

She rushed to help me but I held up my hand, trying to keep from vomiting again. "Don't get near me."

"Please, Shy, I was just trying to protect you." She begged. "Let me help you."

"Please," I begged weakly, "I just need to be alone."

She nodded slowly and walked away. When I heard the door shut, I fell apart and gave in to the urge to weep. I couldn't help myself and called him again, leaving another pitiful voicemail. One of too many.