Forever & Always?

Chapter Nineteen

   The days seemed to drag on. The nights began to linger. Daniel had not talked to me in about a week. I did not try speaking to him or anyone for that matter. I could tell I was slipping away; away from the smiley happy me I was in the beginning of the school year. I was drifting away from the talkative, cheery me I was whenever I would enter a room. I did not visit my dad in the hospital. I did not even call to see if he was alive.

     A couple weeks went by. Daniel and I began speaking. However, not much. We said we were back to the way we were before, but even the oblivious could tell that everything had changed. Our conversations lasted about five minutes, on a good day, and our kisses were nonexistent. I asked him for a hug once and that made me feel less broken. However, the moment I let go, all of the pieces in my heart chipped away again.

    Three weeks had gone by. I was completely gone. I found comfort in loud rock and roll and the occasional screamo. There was a sense of peace in the midnight breeze. I had spent multiple nights walking aimlessly around my neighborhood. My mind was lost. My thoughts forgot to process. I wrote my favorite punk rock band along my wall and kept a jar of broken headphones on my dresser. The speakers had been blown out of them from the music being too loud. My eyeliner got thicker. I spent too much time staring at the blank darkness that surrounded my lightless room. Some nights I could not bear the emptiness in my heart so I would roll around my bed crying and grasping my chest to try and mend the pain. Living became a drag. I began to believe that hell was empty because all demons lived inside of me. Nevertheless, my days continued. And despite all odds, those days turned to weeks. But I remained sad.

"Hi emo!" A kid yelled in the hall. I stroked my fingers through my now short and choppy hair. I cut it to the tip of my shoulders, added very definite layers, and began straightening it everyday.

"Don't listen to them," Daniel said as we walked through the hall. I said nothing.

"How's your dad been?" he asked. I shrugged. Awkwardness surrounded us. It had been doing that more frequently. We stood a foot apart, both of us using both hands to hold our own books. I sighed.

"Wanna skip with me?" I asked. He looked over at me, faced forward quickly, and then looked back at me again.

"No. No I do not want to skip with you," he said, aggravated.

"Why?" I asked, staring straight ahead.

"Because we have school."

"That's the whole point of skipping," I said, almost completely monotone.

"You know what?" He did not wait for a response. He grabbed my wrist and dragged me outside. He dragged me into his car passenger seat and slammed the door shut, angrily walking to the drivers side. He got in and shut his door, staring at me.

"I don't like this," he said looking me up and down. I was afraid. I had not kissed him for almost a month and he had just grabbed me and shoved me in his car. I was not sure how to respond.

"Sorry," I said, my voice still monotone.

"You've become this lifetime rebel in a span of one month. It's not normal." I knew it was not normal. I did not need his conformation.

"Thanks. Can I go now?"

"You can go home. And you can delete those songs from your phone and you can erase the words from your wall and you can put on some sweat pants and a bright T-shirt."

"Daniel. It's okay."

"Don't you dare tell me that! It is not okay! You are not okay." Again, I knew I was not okay. I did not need him to tell me this. He started the car and brought me home.