ASH CHURCH / Season 1

Head noob in charge

Church, Tucker, Ash, and Caboose are standing next to the tank outside Blue Base and sorting through their latest shipment.

Church: Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

Tucker: Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

Church: No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out... ah, you know how it works.

Ash: You gonna marry her when you get back?

Caboose: I'm not gonna get married.

Ash and the guys turn towards Caboose.

Caboose: My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Church: Hey, rookie.. did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut!

Ash: I'm sure he didn't he mean it Church.

Church: I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

Caboose: Great.

Church: See, we've got this General.

Tucker: Right, the General guy.

Ash: (to himself) Oh Jesus Christ...

Church: ...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.

Caboose: When is he coming by?

Tucker: We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.

Caboose: You want me to stand at attention for a week?

Church: You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.

Caboose: What's so important about the flag?

Church: Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?

Caboose: They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?

Church: Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

Tucker: Well... it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue.

Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

Tucker: Right.

Church: So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

Caboose turns and heads for the base, but stops half way and turns around.

Caboose: Uh, how will I know when I see him?

Tucker: There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

Church: Now get in there, and don't come out! (turns to Tucker) Man, that guy is dumber than you are.

Tucker: You mean he's dumber than you are.

Church: Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.

Ash: You're both dumb.

Ash shot back as Caboose emerges from the base with Church and Tucker in the distance.

Caboose: Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?

Church: Oh my god, WHAT!? (turns to Tucker and Ash) Guys, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

Ash: Don't you dare!

Caboose: Sorry about calling your girl a slut...

Church: ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!

Tucker and Ash: (turns around to laugh) Uh-huh huh huh huh!

Church: (turns around to face their backs) Tucker, are you guys laughing at me?

Donut steps up behind Church.

Donut: Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?

Ash pretends to ignore the red guys to get back at Church for thrusting to teamkill.

Church:Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

Donut: What did I do?

Church: One...

Donut: Aw, gimme a break.

Church: TWO!

Donut: Fine!

Donut runs in the base and walks up to Caboose.

Caboose: Wow, you got here fast!

Donut: Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?

Caboose: I'm not, sir. What can I do for you?

Donut: Finally, someone with a little respect around here.

Caboose: Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this... (turns toward the flag)

Donut: Wait, is this all you have?

Caboose: Uh, yes, sir. That's it!

Donut: Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

Caboose: Uhmm...

Donut: Headlight fluid?

Caboose: No. All we have is this flag.

Donut: Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that.

Caboose: Sure, that makes sense. I guess.

Donut: (leaving with the flag) Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

With Church, Ash and Tucker.

Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing.

Church: You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?

Tucker:I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?

Church: Why would command send us a tank if NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE IT?!

Ash: I can actually.

...

Caboose: (emerging from the base) Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!

Church: (to Caboose) Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron! (to Tucker) Why would they give us a tank, if we don't know how to drive the damn thing, and what makes you think that Ash can? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?