ASH CHURCH / Season 1

After Church

Red Base
Simmons and Grif are seen running up the ramp onto the Red Base where Donut is waiting with the flag.

Donut: What happened?

Grif: (panting heavily) Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!

Simmons: Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.

Grif: (still panting) Fuck... You...

Donut: Where's your car?

Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Grif: Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

As if on cue, the Warthog suddenly flips up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Donut and the other two. The camera cuts to a different angle to reveal Sheila in the background firing at them .

Grif: What the hell..!?

Sheila fires off another round

Grif: SON OF A BITCH!

Donut: Oh crap! (picks up the flag) What the hell is that thing?

Grif: (crouching next to the Warthog) That's the tank!

Donut: Hey uh, Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

Sheila fires.

Grif: No, keep that away from me!

Blue Team
Caboose is seen still in Sheila with Tucker beside them as Sheila open fires on the base. Well... the Warthog anyway.

Ash: Hey Caboose, why're you keep firing at the jeep?

Caboose: Because it's locked on!

Sheila: Target locked.

Tucker: Well, unlock it.

Caboose: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Ash: Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

Tucker: Yeah good idea.

Red Base
Donut, Grif, and Simmons are all taking cover by the ramps of the base praying for a miracle before the tank takes them out.

Donut: I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.

Sheila fires while donut is talking.

Simmons: Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Suddenly, the radio turns on as they hear a voice they desperately need right now.

Sarge: (on radio, from a Pelican dropship) Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Grif: Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge: Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

Simmons: Sir, (Sheila fires in the background) this is Simmons.

Sarge: Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Grif: Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to (Sheila fires in the background) infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their (Sheila fires in the background) guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

The radio just contiues as Sarge processes this new information from his soldiers at Red Base: Are we talking to the right base?

Sarge: (radio sounds) ... (more radio sounds) ...Am I talkin' to the right base?

Grif: Sarge, (Sheila fires in the background) WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE HERE!

Sarge: Well then hold tight, boys. I think I gotta solution to your little "tank" problem.

An aircraft is seen flying overhead a few seconds later

With Blue Team
They all see the aircraft as it's dropping bombs and they begin to back up.

Ash: Uh oh.

Tucker: Hey, Caboose, (starts backing up) you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.

Caboose: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

Ash: Crap! (Gets in the tank and tries to lift up the canopy)

Sheila: Night vision engaged.

Tucker: Guys, get away from the tank now!

Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank.

Caboose: Okay, open the do—Okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?

Ash: Please?!

Sheila: Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs away) Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-

The shell hits Sheila and the explosion turns her upside down as Caboose and Ash run away.

Caboose: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Running, running, running! (reaches Tucker, panting) Man, that was close.

Ash: (Panting) Agreed...

Tucker: Look at your tank though.

With Sheila
She's seen upside down as her voice is distorted and weird due to the damage from the air strike.

Sheila: I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... (distorted, elongated) Daisy...

blue team
Caboose has a shocked face behind his helmet.

Caboose: Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!

Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila!

Ash: Uh. Wait... Who's Sheila?

Caboose: Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...

Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

Ash just facepalms as he figures out who Shelia is. Which is the onboard training AI of the tank. Which makes sense when you send in a military heavy attack vehicle to canyon filled with idiots.