ASH CHURCH / Season 1

Down, but not out

Grif: (heard in distance) Sim- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!

The Screen in to Blue Base. Caboose and Ash are looking through the sniper rifles.

Caboose: Man... He is really kicking their asses.

Ash: Now I wish I had popcorn.

Tucker: How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

Caboose: (lowers the rifle) I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Ash: Yeah. Though a little boring.

Caboose: Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

Tucker: It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.

Caboose: Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh...

Tucker: Did Tex get in the base?

Caboose: (raises the rifle and watches Tex enter the base) Yeah.

Cut to the flag stand in the Blue Base. The flag reappears.

Male Game Voice: Blue Team, flag returned.

Ash: What the...? Who said that?

Church: (clears throat) Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

Caboose: Hey, it's Church!

Church: Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose.

Caboose: (peppy) Hey, Church, what're you up to?

Church: Caboose, (laughs) ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?

Tucker: Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that.

Church: Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?

Ash: Uh oh...

Tucker: I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease.

Church: Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

Caboose: (clueless) That Sidewinder is cold..!?

Church: (grunts) What was the OTHER one thing I told you?

Tucker: Not to let him get involved?

Church: Right. And what did you do?

Ash: ..We let him get involved.

Church: And not just a little involved. How involved?

Caboose: Very, very involved.

Church: I expected this from you two, but Ash?! Come on man! What the fuck?!?!

Ash: I honestly wanted to see how this would play out.

Red Base
Cut to Tex in the Red Base.

Sarge: (emerging from the left) Freeze.

Lopez emerges from the right, trapping Tex in.

Sarge: Drop your weapon.

Tex: (drops the gun) Hey, buddy.

Sarge: What.

Tex: You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out. We then cut to Grif on the Red Base getting to his feet.

Grif: Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.

Simmons: (stands up from tending to Donut) He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.

Grif: Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-

Simmons: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Grif: Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Simmons: Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.

Grif: Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking. (runs down the ramp)

Simmons: Whatever, no one likes you anyway.

Blue base
Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the Red Base.

Caboose: Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ... (inhales sharply as he has an epiphany) Or captured AND dead!

Church: (sarcastic) Oh, well that's just PERFECT!

Tucker: What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend.

Church: I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.

Ash: (Looks at Church in confusion) She?

Red Base
The reds are gathered inside Red Base with everyone but Donut present.

Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.

Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command! (turns to Tex) Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.

Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back. There's a brief sound like a distorted voice.

Tex: (now sounding female) Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!

Grif: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Fade to black. There's a moment of silence.

Tex: ...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?

Another moment of silence.