ASH CHURCH / Season 1

1.21 Giga-Whats??

-Previously-

Grif: (looking through a sniper rifle) Oh crap. It... It's Donut. And he's got something... (zooms in) It looks like... (sees that it's the Blue's flag) ...Simmons, get the Warthog.

Simmons: Heh, you mean the Puma?

-now-

Cut to Church and Ash running up to Donut with his gun pointed at him.

Church: Freeze!

Donut: Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me?! You coulda hit me, dicks! (To Ash) And did you shoot a rocket at me?!

Ash: Nope!

Church: Can it. Don't try to play stupid with us, Sarge. We know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

Ash: Uh actually Church. He's a private:

Donut: Exactly. I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

Church: Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

Donut and Ash: That's literally what I just said.

Church: Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

Donut: Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!

Ash: (thoughts) Oh boy...

Tucker comes out of the teleporter between them and now has black armor and scares everyone.

Tucker: Three!

Church: JESUS!

Ash: WHAT THE HELL?!

Donut: HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

Church: What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?

Ash: What happens?

Tucker: How did you get up here ahead of me?

Donut: And what's with that black shit on your armor?

Tucker: Hey! Freeze, Sarge!

Donut: Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private.

Tucker: The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.

Cut to Grif and Simmons getting in the Warthog which has Tejano music playing.

Grif: Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

Simmons: I'll take gunner. (takes gunner position) Let's roll.

Grif: How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

Simmons: (calls out as they drive off) Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece.

Cut back to Church, Ash, Tucker, and Donut.

Tucker: Look, I know you two don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your futures I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Church: Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?

Ash: Oh great... Now some back to the future nonsense...

Tucker: I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted.

Donut: Is this guy a retard?

Ash: I really don't know at this point man.

Church: (Warthog's music gets progressively louder as he speaks) Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This IS the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just... for God's sake! WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

The warthog jumps over the hill right by Church.

Grif: Woohoo!

Tucker: Holy shit!

Church: Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!

Tucker: The jeep followed me back in time!

Ash: YOU DIDN'T GO BACK IN TIME!

Grif hops out of the Warthog as Simmons yells and fires at Church, Ash, and Tucker as they run away from the machine gun.

Church: Ow! Git! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!

Simmons: (in background) That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!

Grif: What the hell is going on here?

Donut: You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.

Grif: How did you get the flag?

Donut: I don't know, I just asked for it.

Grif: Wait, that worked?

Donut: I guess. Is it not supposed to?

Grif: I don't know, we.. never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Donut: Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-

Grif: There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.

Donut: Fine!

Donut starts running through the Gulch.

Grif: (scoffs) Back to our base, dumbass!

Donut: Uh, I know. I just got turned around, that's all.

Cut to Caboose looking at the ensuing battle/chaos through the sniper rifle.

Caboose: Oh man, that's not good. (looks from Church, Ash, and Tucker to the Warthog) Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun. (puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth) Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)

Cut to Church, Ash, and Tucker behind a rock with Simmons firing and yelling at them.

Simmons: (in background) Yeah, get going! Take that! I know you like that there! Come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on, Blue! Get your head out there!

Church: Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time.

Ash: You probably just jinxed us dude.