The Adventures of Crush Girls

Entry Seven ~Vicky

December 8, 2012

*sigh*

Hi everybooooody...

I'm craving those Hershey kisses that are white chocolate with candy cane bits...cuz we have 2 whole bags in the fridge...but no one knows I'm awake, and I don't wanna see the annoying guy here that's friends with my dad and have him make some obnoxious remark that that's not good for breakfast...

But now I'll be in my room for a few hours eating my bagel, listening to Take Me Home on replay on Youtube cuz I don't have money to buy the album, and writing away...screw homework that was due yesterday, I wasn't even there!

Teachers, you try doing homework when you're stressed out of your mind and having an hour long panic attack. Then are exhausted from it, because they are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO DRAINING! -__-

Mum's talking to my friend's Mom and my friend cuz her mom is really good friends with my parents...and she's talking about how I'm still stressing...

So yeah...I want to cry right now...

Why?

Because at the hospital, I really truly realize that it WAS the mental department...

So that means I have a mental problem...

I even asked my Mum and she told me that I do have a mental problem...

What guy wants to date a girl with a mental problem...not any in my school...

But my crush is pretty kind-hearted...so maybe he will...but I don't even know if he likes me...why would he? I'm me... :'(

It makes me shake just thinking about it...

And when I was there in the room with nothing but 2 chairs for 2 1/2 hours, they kept asking me if I wanted to harm myself or anyone else....I said no....

And I kept asking Mum what was going on, because I truly did not know...she said that if I did want to harm myself or others, I'd have to go to some place away from everyone...a mental institution...

And you know what I woke up to realizing?

I shoud be going there. Because I do want to harm others. I feel so angry all the time, especially now, but I can't tell the hospital now...nor would I want to...but we actually were told that if I do then they would want me back in that mental room...fml.

I mean WHAT TEENAGER WANTS TO GO TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION?! HUH? HUH? THAT'S RIGHT, NO F$%&(@^ TEENAGER!

I really want to cry now...but I don't...because I have to remind myself that I have to keep it hidden about this feeling...and I'll just have to walk away if I feel angry...

Because I know that I will lash out at people. It doesn't even matter if people are watching.

For example:

The other day, my friend that was sitting in front of me was trying to help me with a worksheet. She had her pencil hovering over my paper, and...and...and...

I took her pencil and clenched it in my fist and almost stabbed her with it...and everyone was watching me...or at least it felt like it, but I have Paranoia of people watching me so I doubt that everyone was...

It made me want to burst into tears, and I just sat there, the pencil in mid-air, my fist still clenched tightly. I dropped it, like Ella dropped the dagger she was going to kill Char with in Ella Enchanted. Think of that...that's pretty much what this was like.

My eyes teared up, and I just sat, staring at nothing, my face in shock and sadness that I had almost hurt her, when she was just trying to help me.