Soulmate

Thirty One: Jin

a/n: good songs to listen to while reading if you like that kind of thing; sweet night - v; everything goes - rm

New Zealand
September 20, 2019

"Namjoon ah."

The man sits slumped over the table. He grips a pencil tightly in his hand, humming and mumbling to himself as if I didn't even speak to him.

"Namjoon?"

"Hm?" He finally looks up at me and he looks a little distraught. His eyes are red, showing me he hasn't been sleeping well on this trip and that worries me.

"Working?" I ask.

Namjoon just nods, sitting back against his chair. I set my hand on his shoulder to hopefully help him relax a bit. His body leans in the direction of my touch, his head resting on my arm tiredly.

"Are you okay?"

"I just can't believe I let myself get so shaken up," he mumbles. "I was supposed to be working over the break so I could be more present during the filming, but it feels like nothing's coming along. I went on vacation to get some inspiration, but that didn't work."

Namjoon just sighs and sits back in his chair, distancing himself from me, but he makes sure to pat the seat beside him. "Sit with me, hyung. I could use the distraction for a few minutes."

I smile softly at that and pull out the chair to sit. We sit in silence for a few minutes listening to the crew and other members rustling around during the filming break. It's peaceful in New Zealand, albeit a little chilly where we are. I stuff my hands into my pockets and grip the hand warmers in my palms.

"How are you holding up?" he asks simply. Such few words but together, they hold a heavy meaning. Something he and I share now.

I sigh. "I honestly don't know," I admit. "It all feels empty if I'm honest. I hate to say that someone like her made me feel like I had a purpose, but it made me feel complete for a short time. Like I wasn't alone."

"I can see where you're coming from," he sympathizes.

"Yeah, I mean you guys are there for me," I say, licking my lips, "but a lover is there for you in a different way than friends are. I gave her my everything, Joon. I devoted myself completely to her because she was supposed to be my future. Instead she stole pieces of me. I don't know if I'll ever get those parts back."

Namjoon breathes deeply, taking his time to ponder on his answer before he speaks to me.

"You may never get them back," he says simply. "I wish I could tell you that you will, but there may be parts of you she keeps forever."

"Wow," I mumble. "All that thinking to say that?"

Namjoon actually chuckles behind his exhausted exterior and despite the suddenly sad feeling in my heart, I find myself smiling along.

"I mean, you're right that she may have taken parts of you away that you could never get back, but instead of focusing on what you lost, you should focus on reclaiming yourself from that pain. With Rain and I...we're not romantic and we never will be. I know that, but I can still feel that soulmate connection between us. It's what makes us worry about each other; it makes us click in such a natural way I can't deny it feels wrong if I go too long without asking about her or her girlfriend. That bit of a relationship has helped me accept that I may never have something like that."

Namjoon pauses to breathe and I can feel a shift in the conversation. His breathing becomes shallow and it lets me know he's getting emotional.

"I understand that hopelessness you felt when she turned to to not be who you thought. I feel that now. I'm not trying to be better, but I can't help it when I realize you at least have a soulmate who could love you out there. I look at Jungkook and Hope and Areum and Yoongi hyung and it hurts to watch them all get married and start families and fall in love...I know Taehyung won't be too far behind them once that contract is up.