Sanders Sides One-shots

All the "What If's"

TW: Mentions of anxiety, mentions of cutting, mentions of Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression), mentions of Dysthymia (Persistent Depressive Disorder), Mentions of being suicidal, negative self thoughts, ignoring negative feelings, let me know if there's anything else

Roman sat on his bed scrolling through his phone. He hasn't been feeling right lately, and he wants to identify why. Granted, he wants an actual therapist to tell him what's wrong with him. Because if he tried to diagnose himself, he'll just feel like an attention seeker, even though he won't tell anybody. He just wants to see if how he feels lines up with any of the symptoms of an anxiety disorder or a depressive disorder. In all honesty, he knows that he's just being dramatic with himself. He's probably just lazy and riding a wave of hormones, and it'll go away soon....

But, he's been feeling like this for months. But he's been happy since he first noticed it, so obviously...he's just confused. It also doesn't make it better that he wished he did have some mental disorder. He knows that it's a horrible thing to want, and he knows how messy mental disorders can get, and wishing to have one is just...insensitive to people struggling with them. But, no...he doesn't want a mental disorder. He just wants to be able to put a label on what's wrong with him, to be able to sort these emotions into a category. He wants an explanation. Why does he have awful thoughts about himself? Why does he feel like crying a lot, and why doesn't he actually cry? Why can he never do anything right? Why can't he do his work? Why does he overthink everything...? He wants to know why. He wants it to be a mental disorder, because then it's scientific. If it's a mental disorder, then it has a name and he has control over it.

The thing is...Roman knows how to start getting better. He's read all the steps. He just never realized how hard it is to actually follow them. There's just so many things that could go wrong, so many people judging him... and it takes so much energy.

He's fully aware that he needs to tell his family that he doesn't think he's okay. The shallow scars on his arm are enough evidence of that. He's not okay, and he knows it. But he chooses to keep questioning it. Because what if he's wrong? What if he gets help, but he's actually fine, and his whole family hates him even more for being dramatic and hurting himself for attention. What if they think he's just making up an excuse for being lazy, and he decided to take what he saw on the internet and hopped on a "trend." And worst of all, what if they're right...? What if he's just faking it for attention, and he's managed to convince himself that he's not, but he is, and he's a terrible person for doing something so insulting...

He's also fully aware that he shouldn't even be feeling this way. He has a friend that's suicidal, friends who wish they were dead, friends being forced into the closet...all of his friends have valid reasons for how they feel, he knows that they don't deserve it, but they're in legitimately awful situations. Roman's just sensitive and over-reacting...

He clicked on Dysthymia, more commonly known as Persistent Depressive Disorder, for he's aware that he might line up with the symptoms he sees. Dysthymia is like Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical depression), but it's more mild and it lasts longer. Roman read the symptoms, acknowledged that he seems to line up with most of them, then closed the tab and brushed it off as him just trying to seem edgy and relatable and he's just being dramatic.

Roman is fine.