Sanders Sides One-shots

Insecurity (3/?)

Tw: Even before writing this, I can say for certain that there will be a lot of self deprecating thoughts. I'm sorry, this is Insecurity!Roman, it's his thing

The wall is a bunch of golden pieces on the ground, shards scattered around them. The sides basking in what the impact of what this means. Roman glance at the shards and his mind went back to what he made Romulus do- what he use to do and still sometimes did. The temptation nagged at the back at his mind as he fiddled with his wrist. He pushed the urges down, albeit, painfully. Roman backed up and walked away, hoping the small crowd didn't notice his absence. Of course, they did, but they decided not to call him out on it.

Roman was so tired and the Whispers were so loud, right now. Roman is the absence of confidence... Romulus didn't have much in the first place. How could he think Roman was capable of maintaining that role...?

Can't do it

Couldn't do it

Useless

Weak

Tiresome

You can't be confidence, that isn't who you are

You were his Insecurity

You're probably gonna kill Thomas, too

Shouldn't it feel good to win?

You can't even win, right

Roman sighed as the voices flowed through his mind

Bad person

Selfish

Rude

Bad actor

Fat

Anddd there goes Thomas'. Guess Roman's direct and sudden impact is taking a toll on his dear host.

Roman snapped and found himself in a white hoodie that fades into red, his crown being some dark yellow fabric that was sewed on. A dark holden sash draped across his body. His jeggings were a light gray and the simpler ensemble actually made him feel a bit better. Comfy clothes have been a bit of a rarity for the prince. He thought that if he looked confident all the time, he would start to feel it.

But Roman is modesty. He was running off what Romulus gave him for confidence, but that wasn't Roman's own. And eventually, he lost it.

He doesn't really remember when he started reverting, when he was trying too hard. The Whispers were normal thoughts, for a bit. Then they were a nip in his ear, the occasional doubt- every now and then he needed Remus to shut them out.

Then they were whispers again, constant there. Scaring him, telling him lies or truths- he doesn't know. But they were fears.

"Roman?"

Roman jumped and turned around, "Uh...yeah?"

Virgil was standing there, an empathetic look on his face.

Yes, empathetic. Not sympathetic. Virgil knows exactly what he's going through.

"You're just like me."

"No... you're useful. I killed my last host."

Virgil stepped up gingerly, giving Roman opportunity to stop him.

"Romulus never accepted you..."

"Yes he-"

"He accepted your contribution. But you said yourself, he didn't like what you contributed. He never tried to understand you, he blamed you for his own thought process. He made you and Remus's job to fight his battle. Romulus did it to himself."

"Everyone keeps saying that! Virgil, we were Romulus! The line between who he was and who were were was complicated. 'Romulus did it to himself' I am the Romulus that did it to himself!"

"And I'm technically Thomas! Roman, none of us are individuals. But we also are! If I send Thomas into a panic attack, is that completely my fault?"

"I-...no..."

"We're so alike, Ro...I know what it's like to blame yourself for something you can barley control. And feels like just because you have some control, then you should be able to control all of it...but you can't. Roman... believe me. The roles we have...where we're on the brink of being an Illness... it's tormenting. But we can't keep letting the voices win, Ro. I learned that the voices are lies;  and listening to them makes it worse."

Roman blinked at him, "Where are your Voices?"

Virgil took Roman's hands, soothing small circles into them.

"It depends. I think they come from the shadows. I can never really tell."

"Shadows makes sense..."

"Yours are the breeze?"

"The Whispers...they flow through my head and it's so cold..." His never ending tears fall faster and he staring the sleeve of his white hoodie, again, "They're too much...I can hear everyone's. Sometimes, it's hard to tell who's they are...I hate groups... no one is never doubting themselves about something. And I cry."

Virgil nods, "I get that... everyone's almost always scared about something. I can feel their anxiety all the time mixing with mine."

Roman stared adoringly at Virgil, his tears with a touch of red and gold glitter in them, "You do get it! You understand, you know!" Roman can't stop himself from sobbing as he buried his face in Virgil's chest, "You get it you get it you get it. We're the same, it's the same, we're so alike, you understand..."

Virgil held his prince close, "Oh, Princey... you've felt so alone in this, haven't you...?"

Roman sobbed, "Everyone just tells me that what I'm feeling is irrational...like I can just turn off the Whispers..."

"But, you can't..."

Roman shook his head.

"I can't, either."

"I use to hate you so much... because you were me...I thought.... Romulus...Thomas..."

Virgil just whooshed him, "It's okay...I understand."

Roman smiled at him, "Thank you..."

A negative plus a negative equals a positive.

And for once...both the voices and the whispers were quiet.

-----------------------

Btw, I'm grounded again- it was one thing, but my mom says I lied to her. Technically, I did, it the fact that it's a "technically" keeps me from pleading my case

In the bright side- while I still have off days and off moments, I've been feeling less like shit! Maybe it was my missing school work stressing me out all along- anyway- as long as no one else insults me today, I'll be good!