Surfacing

Chapter 18

Earth 1

Dr. Grayson's Office

It had been about four months since Toni started seeing Dr. Grayson, she was making good progress and she was understanding herself more and more. Though the choice she made was not what was best for her she understood what made her do it. The human mind is complex and not many know exactly how it works. In that moment she made the choice she thought was best even at the expense of her best friend. There's a saying that says 'love makes you do crazy things' and that applied to Toni's situation.

"Toni are you ready to tell me why you did what you did?"

"At first I thought it was because Kenny was the comfortable choice. Now I know different, I did it because I was scared. I was scared of my love for her. I was scared of what people would think. I was scared of me, so I ran instead of facing those fears."

"Toni I knew that they day you walked in this door. You were running from yourself. I had Janet do something for you and I think that you are finally ready for it."

Dr. Grayson left her chair and went to her locked cabinet retrieving the later she had Janet write four months ago. She sat down and handed Toni the long white envelope that felt quite heavy. Toni slowly opened the envelope and read:

Best Friend,

I don't know where or when I went wrong with you. Our friendship started when we were young and naïve and just entering the music business. Yet we remained friends for years. It took me a long time to realize my love for you. When we were young, we were inseparable. I knew who I was after a while but in realizing who I was I realized that what I felt for you was more than just friendship. Even though I used the men I had been in relationships with to hide that fact. I can admit that now. I never loved any of them because my whole heart belonged to you.

I am writing this because I need to tell what occurred in the last year and a half of my life. As you know I had I my pride and joy, Journey. You woke up and told me you loved me. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. You came home to live with me, and we were doing well learning about each other again. You helped me with Journey when I thought I was failing at being a mother. You helped to reassure me even in your fragile state. I understand where you were in that time.

Let's talk about that time. After Kenny's visit I noticed your slow withdrawal from me and Journey. You wouldn't even have a conversation with me which only made me know that something was wrong. There's never been a time when you didn't talk to me. You were trying to hide from me because of your guilt. If you didn't feel that guilt you wouldn't have been avoiding me. Even at that time you knew you were making the wrong choice but went with it anyway.

After you left, I fought the depression I felt because of Journey but one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so ready to drop my daughter off at my mother's and drive off a cliff. I even wrote notes to everyone. I wanted to die because I'd rather do that than feel the pain I felt. You crushed me and added to my brokenness, thought it wasn't all your fault. Tamar saved me, she just happened to come see Journey and I that day and made me go to my mother's house. Immediately Mother knew what was going on. I thank Tamar for saving my life, you have your sister to thank for me still being here. While staying with Mother I realized I needed help that no one in my family nor my friends could provide. I chose to check myself into a program to help me with my depression. I had to get away from everyone.

I stayed at the facility for three months, Mother brought Journey to see me every weekend. Our connection was still strong. I love MY daughter with all my HEART. She stole it from you the day she was born. After leaving the facility I wasn't whole, but I found Dr. Grayson. She helped me to understand my thoughts and feelings towards you. Since the day you've moved out of my house, I've had a mental block where I couldn't say your name. My brain was fighting me from feeling how I felt for you. It's why whenever we meet I call you T. I've healed from you, but I realized that I still love you. Even after all that you did and how I felt for a while, I still loved you. You and Journey  now share my heart.