Walls Surrounding his Heart {|Eruri|}

3

Levi had made it back to his room safely after his short dialogue with Commander Erwin. He shut the window which he escaped from closed. The remaining papers on his desk were begging to be organized. Levi ignored their mournful call.  

He instead grabbed a pillowed, which was once neatly placed on his bed, and yelled into it in agony. The captain gripped his cushion as if it were his only lifeline, and managed to tear away at its case, causing feathers to disperse around his dull room. This was Levi's only way of coping with his stress stealthily, along with cleaning, of course. 

Thoughts began intruding his mind as his eyelids drooped. Levi had never planned on embracing his commander, so he questioned his impulsive action. Perhaps be wanted to be held for the first time in 15 years. He was so very touch starved, it physically hurt. 

"What a burden." Levi scoffed, mocking his trauma. 

Ever since his family had abandoned him long ago, Levi's health took a drastic dip. The two most beloved figures in his childhood had betrayed him, hurting his physiology and mental state. He trusted them with all his heart, yet they had most literally stabbed him in his back. Levi swore to never allow himself to experience such unnecessary emotions again, and much less act upon his repressed desires. 

And so Levi stopped smiling the day Kenny walked away from him. The captain's once bright blue eyes faded into a dull grey ever since, the happiness dripping out of him. Days unfolded into months, which transformed into years. With every passing minute, Levi felt the life draining from his system. He resorted to dragging whatever was left of him along this cruel existence. 

Levi couldn't decide if he wanted for someone to come and comfort him, or to be left alone within the confines of his office. The captain knew he just needed to do something to cope with this feeling.

The world felt so cold, almost as if frostbite was gnawing at his fingertips. It took Levi's entire lifeforce to keep him breathing though the endless winter. He was numb, unable to feel anything but the pain. 

Levi just wanted the warmth of love to pull him out of the cold despair. 

Nevertheless, Levi didn't feel like he merited anything along those lines. He did not disserve any food, recognition, praise, happiness, and much less love. He was just a burden to this cramped society. Just another expendable soldier. If his life was taken by the hands of a Titan, or his own, was irrelevant. 

Levi was just going to die anyways, whether he liked it or not. 

Maybe with him gone, someone with much more experience and skill would take his place. Someone who didn't end up killing almost all the soldiers under their command. Levi's rank meant nothing him. All he was to this branch was another wasted uniform, and he was unable to convince himself otherwise. 

Levi's wings weighed on his back, making every advance forward more difficult. They dragged him to the floor, chaining him to the ground. How could he rid himself of their weight? How could Levi truly detached from life's restrictions, if his very wings held him back?

Simple. One must cut off their wings. Only then will they truly be free. 

All of a sudden, Levi's eyes trailed to his desk. The captain was hyperaware of his next move. On his desk was his 3DMG. The long, thin sliver shone in the soft moonlight. He slowly trembled to the gear in awe, drawn to the sword specifically. 

"God this is a bad idea." Levi chuckled to himself quietly. "That's too bad."  

"I don't care anymore." 

Levi pulled out a new blade. Then, the man dragged the cold, sharp metal across his skin slowly, pressing some force into his slice. A sick, satisfied laugh fled the captain's lips without his knowing. He craved the site of his own flesh pried open, punishing himself in a way life could never.