Seek

Opposite

"Runny away isn't always cowardice, sometimes it is the only way to save yourself from drowning in too much pain..."

******

KHRYZ'S POINT OF VIEW

I can't help but smile looking at my twin dancing with the man he loves. They are in the middle of the crowd embracing each other. Today they got married. And we are in the reception in a five-star hotel. I'm happy for my twin. Getting the man he loves so much. All their pain was paid off. I turned my gaze to the man who was happily talking to a girl. They seem so happy. Naramdaman ko ang pamilyar na kirot na lagi kong nararamdaman pagnakikita s'yang may kasamang iba.

"Don't cry Khryz today is your brother's happiest day don't r-ruined it." But my tears didn't listen. I stood up and went to the garden side of the hotel. I sat on the swing and let my tears rush down from my eyes.

Is it bad? If I'm going to admit that I'm envious of Kryp right now? He's happy while me? My heart is tearing apart. My feelings are opposite to Kryp's feelings right now. How pathetic right? I just want to be happy. But fate isn't with me.

I wiped it away right away when Ross seated beside me.

"You should be happy,  today is your brother's wedding." I chuckled.

"Masaya ako para kay Kryp and for you. But I'm sorry I can't be happy for myself..." I said. He tapped my shoulder as if he knows what I'm talking about.

"Don't give up khryz. Sing will love you back." I look at him with a shocked expression. How? How does he know about it?

"P-paano?—"

"Your eyes telling it Khryz. Ganyang-ganyan 'yong tingin ko kay Kryp." Napabuntong hininga ako.

"But the difference between you and I. Kryp fall for you and now you are happily married with him. While me? Mananatili ako bilang isang kaibigan lang." Uminit na naman ang sulok ng mga mata ko and any moment my tears will betray me again.

"Why? Look, I've been looking at Kryp from afar for almost five years before he knew that I love him."Napangiti ako ng mapait. I give Ross a bitter smile as I shifted my gaze away from his pitiful eyes.

"I've been in love to Sing for 1O years. I started loving him at the age of 15." Kita ang gulat sa mga mata nito. I know. I know I'm pathetic.

"And you know what hurts me more?" Here we go again my tears streamed down. Hinayaan ko nalang ito dahil mapapagod lang akong punasan 'to.

"He knows it. I-i'd always show that I love him." I remember how I confess my feelings when we are in senior high school. But he just said to me, thank you and avoid that topic.

"Did he reject you?" I chuckled as I shrug my head.

"He didn't tell me that he doesn't like me but he always answers me with that f*cking thank you."

"I'm tired, Ross... I'm tired of pursuing him. I'm tired of crying... I am tired of loving him.."

"In love. You cannot just get tired Khryz.." I let out a chuckle again but this time it filled with sadness.

"I'm not tired of him. I'm tired to be hurt... I know it's part of love pero hindi naman porket mahal mo titiisin mo nalang lahat. I have a limitation too..."

"Hindi naman kasi nakakapagod magmahal. Do you know what's tiring? Getting hurt. Nakakapagod masaktan."

"I know. Naranasan ko 'yan." Hinawakan n'ya ang pulso n'ya kung saan n'ya sinugatan ang sarili n'ya. The scar of his pain.

"S-sometimes giving up is the answer." I almost whispered.

"Are going to be happy if you give up, bal?" I looked up and there I saw my twin. I give him a faint smile.

"I-i need to. B-because it's m-my choice. He's m-my happiness b-but that happiness, it's too hard to reach. M-maybe I need to find the happiness t-that's for me."

"How?" Kinuha ko sa bulsa ang list. The list we made together. I made it with Sing. Our dream destinations.

"When?"

"Tomorrow." Kryp hugged me tightly which makes me cry harder.

"It will be going hard for you. But I am here for you Bal. Kuya." Napangiti ako. We're twins but I like treating Kryp as my younger brother.

"It's hard to let go. It will pain me but it's beautiful to be free." I utter. One day I will be free. These feelings will be gone and I will be happy, too. I deserve that for being drowned in pain for a long time.

"I'd say countless I love you but he gives me countless thank you."

"A-and it's enough. This feeling needed to stop." They smile at me. Smile of assurance that I can make it.

****

"Call me anytime, Bal," Kryp said. Magkasama kami ngayon sa airport with Ross. They are going to Korea for their honeymoon. While me. I'm going in the first place listed in our list.

"Ross take care of my twin brother. Mararamdaman ko pagsinaktan mo s'ya." Ross saluted after hearing my words. They bid the last goodbye as their flight was announced.

"This is the final boarding call for passengers booked on flight 143A to Hawaii. Please proceed to gate 3 immediately. The final checks are being completed and the captain will order the doors of the aircraft to close in approximately five minutes. I repeat. This is the final boarding call for passengers booked on flight 143A to Hawaii. Thank you." As I heard that announcement. I hold my luggage tightly and proceed to the boarding area. When I entered the airplane. I immediately find my seat and settle down.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Flight 143A with service from Thailand to Hawaii. We are currently third in line for take-off and are expected to be in the air in approximately seven minutes. We ask that you please fasten your seatbelts at this time and secure all baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartments. We also ask that your seats and table trays are in the upright position for take-off. Please turn off all personal electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones. Smoking is prohibited for the duration of the flight. Thank you for choosing this airline. Enjoy your flight." At any minute I will leave the country and I don't have any idea how long it will take me to go back. I grab my phone and call him. My last call.

"Hey, bro. Bakit ang aga mo naman tumawag. Damn! My head is hurting because of the drinks last night—" I cut his words.

"I've been showing you my feelings. I've been always here for you. Pero nakakapagod pala. I'm tired. I'm so tired and I don't want to love you anymore.. " Narinig ko ang pagbigat ng hininga n'ya sa kabilang linya.

"Maybe this is my last call for you. Thank you for being my best friend. I will try to move on. No, not a try but I will do it. This is the last time I will say I love you." I end the call. I turn off my phone. Tumingin ako sa labas. Any moment my new journey will start. A new journey for myself and my happiness. I will never regret it. Dahil nagawa ko na ang lahat para mahulog s'ya sa 'kin. I've done everything to make him fall for me for almost 10 years. But I think when a person really doesn't for you kahit anong gawin mo hindi s'ya para sa 'yo.

"Goodbye sing..." I mumbled as the plane took off.