i hate you , i love you

22.

TWWWW: MENTION OF SELF HARM

you'd spent the last 48 hours racking your brain on what to say about ashley, now it's the day of the funeral and you still got nothing. the team had been as supportive as one could be and now you were standing in front of all your sisters friends , your brothers and your team unsure of what to say about her

you clear your throat and decide to just let the words come to you. "carol saline one said , "sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other." i can easily say ash was my safety net. my best friend , my first friend. she's the reason i became the woman i am. she made me stronger, she made me selfless, she made me responsible and she made me realize how easy it was to love someone with your whole heart." you look up and see garcia had shed a few tears and so had your brothers.

"ashley was so sweet and selfless, even when she was little. she gave her bullies hugs. she saw the good in everyone and everything. her death causes me to take inventory in my life and i often find my self asking "what would ashley do" when i'm in a situation. growing up, she was the girliest of girly girls , loving to dance and play dress up."you wipe the single tear that escaped from your face.

"now by no means was our childhood easy, but when we all sat down at the end of the day, ash would be the one making us laugh. i've said all this to say , horrible things happen to great people. this is one of those circumstances. i'll always be your big sister and you'll always be my little sister, i love you ash." you tune out the applause coming from the people and go take your seat in the front row.

the family would of course sit in the front , but you'd asked jj to sit with you. you would have asked spencer, but you didn't want him to see you cry. jj pulls you into her shoulder and you break down, in that moment everything hit you , it all felt real.

the rest of the funeral flies by and before you know it you're back at the hotel. "when do we leave?" you ask jj. "hotch scheduled the flight for like 1 am, so you should pack and get some sleep." "i thought i wasn't cleared to fly?" you ask her.

"oh i forgot to mention it, the doctor called and said you were cleared to fly." you nodded and decided you'd take a shower , to clear your head.

you turn the water as hot as it can go without burning yourself and start taking your clothes off. you hop in the shower and begin washing yourself , humming to the song playing on your speaker.

you lather your body in soap and rinse off , spending a few extra minutes letting your body run under the water. you hop out and dry off, put some lotion on and put your shirt and sleep pants on. as you're putting your shirt on, you see your scars. scars you've tried to hide from the team.

when you were sixteen, the pressure of raising 3 kids while raising yourself , so you attempted. twice. you went to therapy but it didn't really help, you just got over it. but now, you were feeling the same way, alone and sad.

you grabbed the complementary razor and broke it apart, and before you knew it you had 4 new cuts complementing your scars. you don't remember screaming for jj, or her screaming for the rest of the team. all you remember is passing out.
.......

you wake up with your arm wrapped and a pounding headache. you can hear hotch talking , you don't know to who or about what, but you could also hear garcia crying. you knew people loved you and you also knew that you shouldn't have done that, but in the moment all you could think about was how you got to stand here while your sister was in the ground.

you hear morgan whisper. "guys shes up." and all the commotion in the room stopped , everyone in the room turning to face you. garcia looks like she's been crying and your heart aches for her. you don't see spencer anywhere.

a few moments of silence pass by before you hear footsteps approaching your room. "okay guys i got the coffe-" spencer says , pausing when he sees that you're awake. "okay i think these two need to talk." jj says, leading everyone out the room.

once the room clears, spencer sits on the creaky hospital chair next to the bed. "you guys
missed the flight." you say , your voice shaking. "well when one of the members of the team tries to off herself in the hotel bathroom it puts the vacation on pause. why didn't you talk to me?" he says

"i don't know." you say. "you don't know? i need better than you don't know y/n." he says and you scoff. "spence i don't want to argue with you, i'm
not crazy or sick, i just felt alone. arguing isn't gonna help." he sighs and nods, knowing that you're right.

you scoot over on the bed and pat the area next to you. "lay with me?" he jumps into bed and you shuffle to lay on his chest. you feel something wet hit your cheek and look up to see him crying.

"don't ever do this again, you scared the shit out of me." he whispers and you nod. you didn't know people cared for you like this , that you hurting yourself would make them cry. "i love you, don't ever forget that." he says. "i love you too." you say before dozing off.
.......
you wake up still in spencer's arms, garcia, jj and em squished in the visitor bed, em and garcia sleeping. jj  however, is wide awake. all of them have tear stains on their cheeks, jj has the most. hers look fresh, like you had just caught her crying.

she motions for the door and whispers "let's go get some breakfast for everyone" you nod and get up carefully, trying not to wake anyone. you walk with your arms linked and then she begins to talk.

"you think by the second time i'd be a pro." she says and you furrow your brow in confusion. "what?" "when i was 11, my sister slit her wrists in the bathroom and i was the one who found her. when i did find her , i froze. i waited 10 while minutes before i called for help, just starting at her. and i did the same for you. i heard you scream in the shower and ran in to find you passed out , but i didn't yell for hotch for another 5 minutes, i just watched you bleed out." she says , wiping a tear

"oh jayge, it's okay" you say pulling her in for a hug. "i already lost one sister, i can't lose both the same way." you rub her back and you stay in the hug for a second before pulling away.

"promise me that i won't lose you the same way." she says, extending her pinky. you wrap your pinky around hers , solidifying the deal. "i promise."

you relink arms and finish the walk to the cafeteria, getting everyone coffee and donuts. on the walk back you made small talk, she told you how hotch pushed the flight back to 2 in the afternoon, it was currently 12. the doctors cleared you to fly since your psych evaluation came back normal, he just recommended a therapist that you knew your friends would make you go to.

by the time you got back into your room the entire team was there , spencer still sitting on the bed. they go quiet when the two of you enter. "we got coffee!" jj says and everyone gets up and grabs one, you grab yours and spencer's , along with a chocolate sprinkle donut and bring them to the bed.

"here is your sugar with extra coffee and your donut sir." he chuckles and thanks you. you sit beside him and drink your coffee. "the flight leaves in about 2 hours , y/n you can come with us but we have a meeting as soon as we get back." hotch says and you nod, glad he's not getting into why you're here in the first place.

you knew you had to talk to each member of the team separately, and that your road to recovery was just beginning, but you were grateful that you had this amazing team to lean on, your family.

SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG FOR ME TO UPLOAD THIS TIME! but hi guyssss! hope ur all staying safe and just know if you ever feel this way , i'm only one dm away! i absolutely love talking to you guys and i'm here if you need me! love you all!