Vulquinn One-shots

Grieving

Things felt like a huge haze, the hours melded together during the day and sent himself mentally into autopilot mode as he crawled into the safe spaces of his head and curled in on himself. He didn't want to be a bother to anyone, didn't want to drag anyone's happiness down with his emotions so he just kept to himself and put on the face he knew everyone was expecting: mellow with a subtle smirk. His eyes felt heavy as the bags tugged at his lower eyelids, his eyes were still dry and burning from the amount he cried alone in silence the night before.

"Q, buddy, you okay?" His head perked up. Joe sounded so distant despite being right in front of him and speaking directly to him. It seemed like static, he could barely comprehend any of the words he was hearing too. All he did was smile and force a chuckle.

"Yeah! Got some lousy sleep last night. It was another one of those nasty spider dreams again, kept me up for a while afterward." Joe squinted his eyes and shrugged it off. Q internally sighed as he didn't seem to raise any red flags with anyone. There was one person he knew he wouldn't be able to avoid and hide his true emotions from though. His boyfriend. Though he was close equally with everyone in their group, Sal could read between the lines easily like an english teacher finding a deeper meaning for curtains being blue in a piece of literature. Sal's hand was on his on the chair they sat on side by side, Q was scared that if he squeezed his hand just a little more, tears would finally slip beyond the ducts in his eyes as he dissolved into a weak mess.

The ride home was quiet, and Q much preferred it that way. Sal knew it was best not to say anything until they got home and were somewhere that they could safely talk. He watched in silence and from a distance as Q went into self-destruct mode. Dealing with loss is never an easy thing and he knew dealing with grief never came easy for Q especially. He was hurting for Q and often cried whenever a single tear managed to escape from him, but it made him hurt even more seeing Q trap everything inside and never release any of it. It wasn't healthy and it scared Sal because he didn't want to see him spiral out into pits of darkness he fought so hard to avoid. They got home and as soon as they got through the front door, Sal forced himself to finally say something.

"Brian." Q swallowed hard hearing his voice as tears already began to well, his throat felt strained and his nose burned as it began to run. "Sit with me on the couch. Please." A single sniffle from the older man was enough to produce tears in Sal's eyes, he blinked them back as they sunk into the couch.

"I don't want to talk about it Sal." Q carefully spoke forcing everything inside of himself not wanting to see Sal cry because of him again.

"But you have to Bri, how else will you be able to move on? You have to talk about it at some point instead of avoiding it. Joe and Murr let this slide because they know you won't open up to them as easily as with me. They're worried. We just don't want to see you destroy yourself like this, it hurts us as much as it hurts you." Q's lips were persed shut as he kept trying to swallow down the tears and the aching pain that has tormented him. "It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to hurt. But you can't hurt in silence and I don't want you to feel alone." Then it happened. The floodgates opened and there was no stopping the waterfall of tears that began to cascade down his cheeks, choked sobs escaped and his shoulders bounced with each hiccup. Sal didn't say much more, just brought him in closer and let his own tears fall free out of sympathy.

"It was so sudden. Just like that, he was gone. I felt like I didn't even get to say a worthy good bye." He felt guilty for not treasuring their last outing together. A now empty promise of another drink together soon bounced about in his head alongside countless memories he recounted of the moments they had together. All those memories served as fuel to the fires of anguishing pain that resided in him and made tears steam through his eyes faster. It felt relieving in a way to finally let it all out, allowing genuine emotion shine through and expose the tarnished parts of him.

"Don't just focus on the things you didn't do, you should remember him and the things you DID do together. Be grateful for the moments that you did get, remember the funny things, smile when you see something that reminds you of a certain memory. It's okay to cry too, but you can't cry forever. We all have a time to go, this was his and we can't change it or take it back. We can mourn, but we have to pick up eventually and carry on, if not we'll lose our own time that could be spent making or own new memories with each other." Q's tears started to subside as he took in each word that Sal said. His breathing grew more rhythmic and steady. Sal rubbed soothing circles on the small of his back feeling as his boyfriends shoulders trembled as he released all hes kept in for long enough. He smiled lightly as he saw Q begin to calm down on his own and rested his head on his shoulder.

"Sorry for losing it like that..." Q kept his eyes forward, scared that if he looked to Sal he would begin to cry again.

"Grief isn't easy, but it's a lot harder when you deal with it alone. Please tell me when you feel like this, whether you just need to cry, talk about it, anything. I'm always here for you." Q leans into Sal and closes his eyes to just relish in the verbal and physical comfort being provided to him. The ache was still there, but it didn't feel like he was being torn to shreds from the inside out anymore

"That's why I love you."

A/N: Sorry for the kind of sad theme. This was a bit of a vent piece since i'm going through a bit of grieving. It's a process but i'm getting through it the best I can. I'm lucky I have a good support system as well as you guys. Hope you're all doing okay