Lillian 'Anna' Potter || Goblet of Fire

Chapter Twelve: Calm Within the Madness

Anna fidgeted uncomfortably in her bed - her eyelids heavy, but her mind fully awake. Even with the comfort of her newly adopted kitten, it didn’t stop the goosebumps from crawling up Anna’s arms, symptoms of not cold, but fear.

Just thinking about the Dark Mark made Anna shiver. Though there had been no deaths tonight, Anna could still feel the terror she first felt when Hermione explained what it was - what it symbolized.

Voldemort had not risen tonight, but the Mark brought Anna the simple question of when. When would she have to die? When would she have to tell everyone her most guarded secret? Anna had spent so much time over the years trying to bury the question to the farthest recesses of her mind, only for all of her fears to be brought back again with a simple spell, raising the darkest beasts in her mind and bringing them up to the surface.

It was easier that way - not thinking about the specifics. Like how would they do it? With a dagger? Would Harry gently push her off a great height and let her fall? Was there such a thing as an after death, or would it be like a deep sleep, and she would remain shrouded in darkness for eternity.

Anna wondered far too many times for a thirteen year old girl what it would be like when she died. She wondered if her friends would be sadder for her, or happier for the defeat of Voldemort. If Ginny would find someone else to gush over Quidditch and all things ‘boy’. If Harry would be happier as the last Potter standing.

Honestly, she thought it would’ve been easier if she had just never been born. Hagrid had told her she was born weeks early, and that was the main reason for her current existence. If she had just stayed nestled in the womb for a few more days, it probably would’ve saved everyone many tragedies.

Anna's stomach suddenly twisted sharply, and she jerked up and out of bed before racing into the woods to throw up.  

Because the truth was that it would’ve been better if she’d never existed. Andrea..Francis...Bianca..Evan and all the other names in between. They were the victims of Anna’s survival. Her foster family died because of Pettigrew’s idea of a good plan. A horrible, horrible, plan. They died for trying to give a sad little girl a home.

Anna’s hands clawed themselves into the ground of their own accord, angry tears mixing in with the soil. She heard little whispers - her own evil thoughts and feelings threatening to destroy her, but when Anna looked up, it was just her and the moon.

“It wasn’t my fault!” She shouted to the sky, as if that would make a difference. “It wasn’t! Their death was just an-an accident!” But the stars offered no remorse, and Anna wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince anymore.

The pain in her chest was steadily increasing into a blazing inferno, burning her from the inside out. The guilt, the grief, the sorrow.

‘Just transform,’ A voice in her head spoke out - steady and reassuring, a pinprick of light in the darkness. ‘It’ll make the pain easier.’

Flashbacks of chasing Pettigrew through the thick wood came back to her. Memories of him overpowering her and breaking her spine as he crushed her to the forest floor. But she didn’t care about those anymore. All she knew was the pain just had.

To.

Stop.

Suddenly, she was no longer Anna, but a different creature altogether, weaving through the trees and enjoying the scent of pine. The voice had been right. Her emotions were different when she transformed into her animals form - her thoughts more disconnected, the pain still there, but muted. Bearable.

She knew that this probably wasn’t the right idea - to lock away her emotions. Harry would disapprove. But all of those voices were pushed to the back of her mind, because there was only one thing that she could feel that she had been striving for all summer - relief.