After -Drarry COMPLETE

Chapter 60

—Harry POV—

"You don't need to talk about it yet." I told Draco when he walked into the room. I looked up at him in confidence, feeling my wrist... I've picked up that habit over the last few days. I touch it softly, almost like a reminder that uncle Vernon isn't around anymore.

Draco looked at me with an expression I couldn't decipher, and things were quiet for a while.

"I don't think I can talk about all of it." He said, before returning to silence. I stayed looking at him, waiting for him to continue. Surely, he did.

"But, I can start... You deserve that, at least."

"Okay." I told him, not really sure of anything else to say.

"I didn't lie... when I said it was stressful."

I nodded slowly, a bit shocked at the fact that for the first time, I could see Draco nervous, and almost sad.

"Everything was stressful... I had to do what he said, or... he-" Draco paused, looking around the room.

"And the longer I took, the more they belittled my family. Called us weak, cowards. They didn't like us, the others. They thought we weren't as passionate about supremacy as them... I guess, in a sense they were right. But my parents had burdened me with their reputation. And Voldemort had us threatened. Messing up meant we died." He said. I found it slightly difficult to follow as he awkwardly skipped from topic to topic, but they all seemed to tie together in his mind, for his face showed anything but confusion; regret, grief, pain even, but not confusion. He then sat down beside me.

"Getting the mark was horrifying. I remember asking Mother over and over again if it would hurt. 'Quick and painless' she'd say, every time.

"Was it?" I asked, curious.

"Yes. There wasn't much to it, really. Anyone could get it... as long as he trusted you enough... When I got it he told me I needed to prove my loyalty by killing Dumbledore... by finding a way to get death eaters into the school. I knew I couldn't do it." He gave a bitter laugh. "But aren't I supposed to be perfectly heartless? Perfectly evil?" He looked up at me, pain swirling across his eyes, continuing the bitter laugh.

"Aren't I supposed to believe everything my family told me? I had no reason to dissent their views. They were the best parents anyone could ask for. Aunt Bella taught me Occlumency, Father got me anything I'd desired, Mother made sure I was nurtured. And when the time came, she made sure Snape could protect me." He began to waver, and looked down. I could almost see how his head was swimming with thoughts and memories.

"It just didn't feel right." He whispered with a shaking voice. "What they wanted me to do made me feel like I deserved to die. Helping them... I-" he took a shaking breath.

"I needed to do it... It was like I was forcing myself to commit suicide." His breath caught in his throat, and he shut his eyes. I went over to him, unsure if he would want a hug, but ultimately going for it.

"How were you able to get the mark? Couldn't Voldemort sense that you weren't entirely loyal?" I though out loud.

"I just suppressed every other part of myself. Kept every aspect of my personality separate, making sure I could avoid fighting with myself." He replied, not returning the hug, but instead staying still. "It slowed me down... my thoughts. It made them doubt my abilities as a death eater. Which put me and my parents in danger." He let out a burst of breath that he seemingly forgot to let out earlier.

"You don't have to keep going if you don't want to." I said, more than satisfied with the little tidbit of the inner workings of his mind. Disturbed that he was capable of having thoughts as dark as mine, and probably darker.

"Draco?" I asked, removing myself from the hug.

"Yeah, Harry."

"I-is that why you knew how to handle my panic attacks? My breakdowns?"

"I've had my fair share of them. I had to learn to comfort myself, and make sure that no one could tell what was going on. I made sure to keep a still face through everything. Which became a bit easier when I would zone out..."

"Draco?" I asked, another question coming to my mind.

"Yes?" He answered.

"That day in sixth year... in the bathroom..."

"Let's not talk about it..." he said bitterly.

"Okay." I replied, going in hesitantly for another hug, this time, he reciprocated it, and I could feel tears soak through my shirt. I couldn't even hear that he was crying.

"It's okay..." I told him, patting him on the back.

"At least you don't have to deal with it anymore... right?" I felt bad for not knowing quite how to comfort him. I really wanted to just, sort through all of the information I had, but now wasn't the time.

"Thanks for telling me... I know it was difficult." I murmured into his ear, tightening the hug. He tightened it as well.

"You deserved to know. I can't expect you to tell me everything about yourself while I remain a complete mystery." He paused, as if thinking of what to say. I could feel that he was hesitant. And what he said next ran a chill across my spine. "If things now were the other way around, I don't think I would have trusted you until you proved that you didn't truly want to be a Death Eater back then."

I answered right away: "I was in a dark place... I was desperate... in need of help. And I guess deep down I knew you weren't as horrible as you'd always acted..." I said a bit awkwardly.

"I wouldn't have trusted myself. Nobody trusts me- not now- now that they know I had the mark, that I somehow evaded Azkaban..." He stated.

"But it was different with me... I'm not everyone else. I saw you for six years, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was among the first to see you cry, albeit by accident." I tried explaining, while scrambling through my brain. What gave me the impression that he wouldn't sneak his way into my family and hurt us?

"You saved us, in the manor. And you didn't kill Dumbledore-"

"I wanted to accept his offer... his offer of sanctuary- protection. But then they caught up to me... I remember how difficult it was to keep myself together as Bella's shrill whisper came across to my ear, telling me to 'do it already' The pain I felt to conceal how badly I was shaking. How I just wanted to- to reverse my aim, to punish myself for what I was doing to the world..." He sniffled, and I hugged him tighter, feeling his cries become verbal.

"Let's take a rest." I suggested, laying him down. He gripped my shirt tightly, kicking off his shoes to snuggle into me.

"I was a horrible person." He croaked.

"You were doing what you needed to survive." I reassured, suddenly feeling like I understood, yet feeling at the same time that I would never understand. I felt him shaking his head against me.

"No, Draco, I promise... you're not as horrible as you think." I told him, determination in my eyes. "It's okay. Everything is safe now. No ones forcing you to do anything." Things were silent again, for a while, before he spoke.

"I care about you, a lot." He sniffled.

"I care about you a lot too, Draco."

After about a half hour, Draco fell asleep with his head resting on my chest, and I just laid still, sorting through everything I'd been told. I didn't realize just how difficult it had been for him, how much of a change he truly went through. It made me feel bad for acting so stupid. My thoughts were interrupted though, by Scorpius, who burst into the room.

"Dada!"