Us, Colliding

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Sulani is silent at night, except for the sea which I can always hear – it's so peaceful.

I've always dreamed a lot but here the dreams are different, my mum is in them. And Neri. And my dad.

In my dreams my mum is calling for me, sometimes she doesn't remember my name, other times I just don't hear her. I'm with Neri and she's holding my hand, dragging me down the beach towards my father. I'm happy in the dream but when I turn to my mother she's crying and she wears a necklace of vines and white flowers.

When I wake I feel kind of sad, the dream fades but the feelings that it gives me don't. I think about my mum, her life, her need for love. I know we're the same. I need love too.

Soon my time in Sulani will be over and I'm not sure how that makes me feel. I have to decide what I'm going to do now, I'm 17, school is over if I want it to be – and I think I do.

I wonder what my mum would say if I told her I wanted to stay in Sulani for longer, if I said I wanted to try living out here. Something clenches inside me. Fear? Excitement? I don't know.

If I lived here I'd see my dad every day. I'd see Neri everyday too. I think about the things we'd do and the places we'd go. It would be like being on holiday all the time. It would be wonderful.

I'd have to pay my way but I could get a job, even if it was just in a café or something. On a stand at the drive in cinema. I could do that.

Mum would hate it, I'm sure – but then why send me out here? Why the sudden encouragement to get to know the man who left us?

My eyes are tired but my brain is awake – blaringly so. Thoughts come and go rapidly, segments of songs – Tears for Fears I realise. I feel like I chugged a jug of coffee before bed or something. I stretch.

I don't know what I'll do. I'm going too fast. Neri and I are friends but we met like 4 days ago. Dad and I are getting on but of course we are. It's like... like the honeymoon period. We're all trying hard to be liked. I've never had a serious relationship before but I know that in the beginning it's all about impressing.

People like to be liked so they'll behave any kind of way or say anything to gain approval. People are dumb. I'm dumb. Like Neri and Dad would want me here permanently anyway.

What the hell am I thinking?

My place is back home in Oasis Springs with my mum, helping her out at work and listening to Kelsey and Paula brag about which boy they got with last weekend. That's my life. Not here. Not with them.

I rub my eyes. Why am I like this? Why do I feel like a bystander watching my own life? Like I don't have a place.

Dad has a place. Mum has a place. Neri has a... doesn't Neri have a place?

I picture her laughing and smiling and then I picture her on her front porch, flower in her palm.

What went on in her mind? I thought she was one of those people who lived in the moment, who was happy and grateful – like she'd mastered the Law of Attraction and she was untouchable.

Knowing what I know about her dad dying and about her mum living away, I wonder how she can be so happy, if she's just pretending.

I can't pretend with my emotions, they consume me.

I have a thought and then BAM the emotion is there as a response, pulling me apart. Maybe I need to change my thoughts. I don't know how to do that.

Everyone always says I'm 'contained' and 'hard to read' and 'a closed book' but that's because inside I am screaming. I am screaming so much that nothing makes sense anymore.

If people could hear my thoughts they'd have sent me away to a mental institution years ago.

Is Neri actually sad too, how does she convince everyone else that she's not? How does she pretend to be happy?

Why does everything seem so easy to others? Even my mother knows what it is she wants – to be loved – and she goes for it, she gets it – in small doses, but she's successful for the most part.

I want to be loved too, but I don't know how to go about gaining that.

Back home mum tries so hard to push me "out there" she doesn't understand my need to be seen for me and not for my looks.

I hate my looks. I hate my body.

I cover it up with baggy clothes and long sleeved tops – even in summer so my mum's answer is to buy me summer dresses and floral shirts, dainty sandals and she paints my nails at her salon but that's not what I want.

I want to be loved for who I am, not a set of clothes, not pretty nails or a new hairstyle. For me. For Myra Dove.

I don't understand people. I don't. I don't understand boys and the need for girls to get their attention with a new hairstyle or a short skirt. Do they actually like you? Or do they like your skirt? Or what's underneath it?

How is that a thing? I don't get it. I don't get a lot of things.

I don't think I ever will.