Us, Colliding

CHAPTER TWENTY

I can't recall much of the journey home, but arriving back in Oasis Springs comes so much sooner than I expected. Like time speeded up.

When I was on the flight back it almost felt like I could be flying anywhere, I pretended for a while that the plane had to turn back and when we landed I'd be back on Sulani soil. Kind of dumb, I know.

Mum was so happy to see me, but as she hugged me I just felt hot and angry, I didn't want to feel her arms around me.

"Oh, I'm so happy to see you, I missed you so much!" she says, like we'd been apart 5 months, not 5 days.

"Did you like Sulani? How was your dad? Did he spend some time with you?"

I shrug, "I'm kind of tired," I say.

I don't give mum chance to respond before I trudge upstairs to my room.

Everything is exactly where I left it, exactly the same,

The only thing which is changed is me - I'm different.

Something has clicked within; begun to make some sense, but I also have so many questions and the only person who can answer them is me.

If only I knew how.

How do you ask yourself a question and answer it when you literally have no clue?

It's not like I can sit in front of a mirror and have a nice candid chat with my reflection and she's gonna turn around and be all like "Oh yeah, so I like girls AND guys but maybe I only like girls because guys scare me. I don't know. That would make sense, right? You know – after –"

I shake my head, I'm such a dumbass at times.

I flop face down onto my bed and just lie there, my face smushed into the duvet and my legs hanging over the side of the bed. It's not exactly comfortable but it is oddly comforting. I don't know why.

The fabric conditioner my mum uses is familiar and safe and even the mattress at this weird angle feels good underneath me.

There's really nothing like your own bed, is there?

After a few moments I lie down properly, I check my phone.

I've messaged Neri 3 times now, she's not replied to any of them but she's not seen them either which gives me a little bit of comfort – it's not like she's actually ignoring me if she's not checking her messages.

I've become kind of obsessed with Instagram lately, I check her page a lot but I also followed a butt tonne of accounts from people who live on Sulani and the surrounding islands.

Pictures don't do the tropical island justice but the sight of people doing extraordinary things like jumping off Cober Rock, trekking, snorkelling and scuba diving just makes me realise how much I wish I'd stop living in my head and actually do stuff.

I really missed out and when I go back I refuse to let my weird body hang ups and introspections stop me having a good time.

I spend the next hour just lying there, scrolling my feed, watching people's stories and pining for things I should have done, when my mum calls me down for something to eat.

I want to ignore her but I have to see her eventually and also my stomach feels like it's going to eat itself so I make my way downstairs and see Tony sat on our L-Shape sofa, he smiles when he sees me, his right leg is resting on our coffee table and he's wearing and enormous blue boot – I assume to support his broken ankle.

I stare at him for a few minutes, trying to make sense of his presence in our living room when I thought dad had said he was going to be in hospital longer.