Us, Colliding

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

I don't know where I'm going until I get there – I find myself at the park.

It's after 8 so all the kids have gone home barring a couple of lads who sit by the picnic benches smoking and talking quietly.

I make my way over to the swings and sit there with my head in my hands for a few moments.

I just can't understand my mother right now.

I get that she is happy; I guess I am sort of happy for her even – but why bring me home? Surely she could have either waited or shared the good news with me over face-time?

I sit there gently swinging to and fro and staring into the trees at the far end of the playing field.

The air is warm but the sky is filled with grey clouds, I kick the dirt with my converse and then my phone buzzes in my pocket – it's my mother texting me.

I assume Tony has talked her out of calling me – normally she'd be burning my phone battery with missed call after missed call.

Tony kind of understands my need for space though, either that or he's already caught on that my mother is a handful and he's trying to hold her back.

I don't bother reading the message, the first few lines are enough "Myra, I'm sorry you can't be happy..."

I resist the urge to lob my phone across the park.

Can't be happy? Of course I am happy for her! I love her and I love Tony, but somehow she's managed to switch this scenario around and make me look like a petulant, spoilt child when actually it's the other way around.

I'm not making this about myself, but she is making it about her.

There was absolutely no reason for me to come home other than the fact that my mum wanted to make a big deal about what's happening in her life and her saying that she thought she was doing me a favour by getting me to return to Oasis Springs is plain old bullshit.

I honestly feel like I could scream right now, I just wish I could talk to someone.

I think about phoning dad, I really miss him – more than I thought I would. I think it's because I figured we'd have longer together than we've had. I thought we'd be sick of each other by the time my trip was over but actually it seems like things were going the opposite way.

But it's super late in Sulani and I don't want to wake him with this – it seems sort of trivial in a way. I text him instead, just saying I miss him and Sulani and that I hope I can come back soon.

I send another message off to Neri, I tell her I hope she's OK, that I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye. When I look at the previous sent messages I realise I've pretty much sent the same thing 4 times now – just worded slightly different each time – I should probably cool it.

As I look through my previous chats in WhatsApp I realise I haven't let Paula and Kelsey know I'm home, I wonder if they're around – for once their incessant chatter about boys will be a welcome distraction to what's going on in my brain.

I wonder how they'll feel when I tell them I think I'm bi. I wonder if I should tell them, they're my best friends but I'm pretty certain they won't understand when I tell them I had my first proper kiss – with a girl.

I close my eyes and think of Neri, her soft lips on mine, her warm palm on my cheek, the sweet taste of her mouth.

A hot wave of anger spreads over me again – at my mother for bringing me home, at my dad for not standing up to her, at myself for being this way and finally, at Neri – for making me fall in love.