Us, Colliding

CHAPTER ELEVEN

One thing I've come to realise about Neri is that she is difficult to say 'no' to - trust me, I tried.

"You are dourly," she says, traipsing ahead of me, across that sandy beach where the gulls are crying and the waves are crashing.

I dig my hands into the pockets of my denim shorts for no particular reason other than that I feel like I wave them around when I'm walking - kind of like some side-of-the-road inflatable.

Sometimes I accidentally hit things.

Lampposts, cars.

It's become a habit to keep them close to my body instead.

"Dourly," I repeat, it's not a question but she answers anyway.

"Yep, you're gloomy, glum."

"I know what dourly means," I reply, skidding clumsily.

Neri laughs, tugging her backpack further up onto her shoulder.

We arrive at the cove and Neri hands me a bag from her backpack.

"The cove is the landing spot for a tonne of rubbish," she says, bending down and retrieving a beer can from behind a rock, "when the tide comes in it brings all the litter from the ocean and here's where it gets stuck," she continues, inspecting the ground as she walks.

I begin walking past her and spy an old flip flop, a little further up there's a smashed Go Pro and a plastic bottle.

People are disgusting.

I wonder if these things were lost accidentally or whether people left them behind on purpose.

I'm not sure what's worse, irresponsibility or carelessness.

I find a whole bunch of stuff, it feels strangely nice to tidy up this space - it's so beautiful here -  and it should remain so.

Neri is speaking softly as I approach her, her hands are cupped and she holds them close to her face.

I watch her for a few moments, the sun is low and the last golden rays shine down on her bronze skin, her eyes are almost amber in the sunlight and her dark curly hair glows with warm copper hues.

Neri smiles and places whatever she held in her palm into the rock pool by her side.

"A crab," she says without looking at me, she wipes her hands on her skirt, "he was stuck in this piece of net," she says and stands, holding up the offending item.

I nod, "I got a bunch of stuff."

"Awesome," she smiles, "i'll give all this to uncle Loto and he'll take it to recycling."

I had no idea Loto was Neri's uncle but considering how likeable the guy is, it comes as no surprise. It's obviously a family trait.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," I blurt suddenly. I'm not sure where the words come from, they just spill out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"Sorry?" Neri raises a brow, "you don't have anything to be sorry for, Myra."

"I do."

"No, you don't."

When I've apologised before, to other people I mean, I always felt like I needed to push the matter, to prove how sorry I am. Not with Neri. I don't know why, I just know she forgives me.

Neri smiles.

"You were forgiven straight away, you had your reasons for reacting the way you did. We all do. It's happened, we're still friends. No apology is required."

I stare at her - I can't help it.

I'm so used to making an excuse, for having to have a good reason for behaving out of order and here's this person telling me I don't need to.

"Don't you want to know my reasons?"

"Reasons?"

"Why I reacted the way I did?"

Neri shrugs, she puts her bag of litter in mine and ties them up.

"I don't know about wanting to know your reasons, Myra," she says, "but I do know that if you wanted to tell me you would. I'm not going to ask you and I'm not going to push the subject because it's yours. Whatever it is. It's yours to tell, it's not my place to ask."

I nod slowly as she passes me.

I don't know how to feel, I'm aware that my heart is thundering in my chest - the way it does when I'm anxious, ready to fight or flee - only there's nothing to flee from and there's no one to fight. The conflict isn't there. Neri diffused it.

As I watch her starting to walk down the beach back towards my dad's I wonder if she realises what she's doing to me.

The fact that I would love to tell her the reasons for my reaction.

The fact that I would love to explain my nature.

Some things you just can't say. Some things are buried so deep that you need someone to dig them out of you, to ask you.

I realise as I watch her that I want Neri to ask me.

I like her, I like her a lot.