Us, Colliding

CHAPTER NINE

We find my dad a little further down the beach in the secluded cove in which Neri and I went swimming; It's even more beautiful under the moonlight, the sea sparkles under the stars and the waves lap the shore peacefully - their previous vehemence seemingly forgotten.

The only sounds to permeate the night are the water and the far away cry of seabirds, it all feels oddly ethereal and dreamlike.

My dad smiles broadly as we approach, if there's any semblance of upset remaining on my face he doesn't say anything, he just looks happy that we're here.

I don't understand how this man, who was painted by my mother to be so miserable, so lacklustre – a layabout jerk - could be the same person I see standing before me in Hawaiian shorts, flip flops, with a baby turtle in a bucket while smiling from cheek to cheek.

This man doesn't seem like a loser, he seems full of life – charming, like a part of him is still a young boy.

"Hey you two!" he says, "I didn't know if you were coming!"

Neri surprises me by pulling him into a warm hug – I stand awkwardly as they break apart, I'd never hug my mother like that, hugging other people feels weird.

I don't like to be touched.

"As if I'd miss saying goodbye to this little dude," Neri peers into the bucket, her curly hair slides forward over her face like a deep, dark waterfall, it shines with silver moonlight.

"Thanks to you this little guy gets a second chance – away from litter and gulls," my dad smiles.

"I'm just sorry he needs a second chance," Neri replies, standing up and my dad pats her shoulder affectionately.

"True," dad states, "Myra, you wanna say goodbye?"

I approach the bucket and peer inside, the baby turtle just sort of floats there, I feel like an idiot talking to him but I manage a quiet "Good Luck".

"You wanna do the honours, Neri?" my dad asks, gesturing to the bucket.

"Ah, I dunno," Neri glances at me, "I feel like there'll be a lot more turtle rescuing in my future – but Myra? You wanna let him go?"

My dad nods with approval and it irks me a little that they're like this with one another – close, easy.

They are affectionate and speak like friends - no family - like a father and daughter, the way my father and I should be, if he hadn't left.

"Umm, I don't really know what I'm doing, best leave it to the experts..." I shrug.

"It's easy," Neri approaches me and reaches for my hands which I allow her to take, numbly I let her pull me forward, "all you need to do is get into the shallows and put the bucket in the water, he'll swim right out."

I must look unsure because she passes me the bucket and then - "we'll do it together?" She smiles.

I nod, "ok."

Dad watches us with interest as we carefully walk over the sand to the sea, the moonshine our only light, our audience a billion shining stars.

The water is cool but not unpleasant on my now bare feet, the knot of anxiety I was feeling due to my altercation has subsided substantially thanks to Neri's presence.

It's strange how just being around her makes me feel lighter.

"Ready?" She asks me.

I nod and she guides the bucket I'm holding down into the shallow water, we wait.

The little turtle swims to the back of the bucket at first before taking a u-turn; he's slow and clumsy, but as a small wave of water splashes into his would-be home he swims toward it and floats into the ocean water. It's too dark to see him swim away but I feel oddly emotional at his departure- such a tiny creature now at the mercy of the depths of the deep.

"See, easy," Neri smiles and I nod, "you ok?"

I look at her oval face, her full lips and her twinkling eyes - I wish I was ok, I feel pathetic all the time. Confused. So unsure of myself. I long to find a place and to be accepted and I hate that about myself.

"I'm ok," I lie.

"All done?" My dad asks as we approach, he smiles warmly, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

"All done," Neri responds, passing him the bucket and he squeezes her shoulders as I look on.

Something inside me knots. Their easy way is something alien to me, how I wish I had that - to be hugged and loved in that way.

"You coming, Myra?" My dad turns to me and I realise I've been stood on the edge of the shore line watching the two of them like some sort of creeper.

I tuck my hair behind my ear and trudge forward, Dad reaches for me and I let him.

"How does it feel? Your first turtle release?"

I inadvertently frown as he pulls me close, he smells like some sort of woody cologne and salty like the ocean - the scent makes me want to recoil.

I'm stiff at being touched, I can feel my shoulders tighten and my arms lock but dad doesn't seem to notice.

"It was nice," I say, his arm is heavy on my back, weighing me down.

We walk back towards the house in silence, Neri, Dad and I, and if you didn't know better I guess you'd think we were a family.

A father and his two daughters.

I glance at Neri and she catches my eye, grinning in the moonlight, her beautiful curls bouncing up and down with every step - despite my longing for a sibling I realise Neri is not like that for me.

I wouldn't want her as my sister.