Us, Colliding

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The evening after I left Neri sitting on her porch, I went to the drive in cinema with dad.

The entire scenario with her had left me feeling disjointed and almost as anxious as when I'd first set foot on Sulani soil, 3 days ago - It might not sound like a lot of time but something about hanging out with Neri made me feel like I'd known her forever, like she'd always been a part of my life and seeing this other side to her had left me feeling disorientated and unsure of myself – I want to show her that I care about how she's feeling, but I have no idea how to do that.

"You Ok, My?" my dad asks me, he's sat up pretty straight in the driver's seat, his red plaid shirt is open at the collar and he looks alert, like he's expecting something major to happen – I guess sitting in a confined space with the daughter he's not spent any one on one time with in 12 years is kinda daunting for him – I know it is for me.

"Yeah, I'm alright," I say, reaching for a handful of warm popcorn.

We're watching Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey and the screen is so huge, dwarfing the parked cars before it, the sound is run through my dad's blue tooth speaker – it's actually pretty awesome.

My dad thinks the film is utterly hilarious, I've seen it before – with Darren – we used to quote it all the time, I haven't told dad this because I can tell he wants this to be our thing, something he introduced me to.

I'm happy pretending.

I know how it feels when you're really into something, or when you really want someone to like something you like but then they dismiss it or pay no attention.

That feeling - that kind of a hurt is something else.

It's like they gave you an emotional punch or something – they squeezed your heart with their lack of care - I don't want to be responsible for making someone else feel like that. I've felt like it too many times.

"You see Neri today?" Dad asks, his eyes flick to the screen and then back to me, I swallow a piece of popcorn.

"Yeah," I say, the corn scratches my throat so I chug some cola to loosen it.

"How was she?"

"Erm, she was – sad."

Dad nods, "I thought so."

Of course my dad would know why Neri was off today – I'm torn, I want to ask him what it's about but also Neri told me not to ask – because it's her story to tell.

How can I help her understand that I'm there for her if I don't know what it is that's upsetting her?

"I should have maybe warned you about today," Dad says, his eyes don't leave the film, "Neri lost her father 10 years ago and today is the anniversary."

I nod slowly as I think about how Neri had started talking about death, I wonder about Hanu with this vine of leaves and flowers. I wonder about Neri's orchid.

"So if she seemed sad, I would imagine that's why," Dad continues.

I stare out at the huge cinema screen, there's a about a dozen or so cars parked up, around the outside of the parking lot there's a bunch of vendors selling various commodities, hot dogs, ice cream, candyfloss and popcorn, there's even a pop up bar.

I think losing a parent to divorce is one thing, but losing one to death is something else entirely, I wonder how I feel so anxious all the time, smothered by some sort of weird darkness, yet Neri seems so confident and light.

"It was weird, today," I state, "I haven't seen Neri like that."

"Sad?"

"Yeah, she was so different."

Dad nods.

"I thought she was upbeat and I was the quiet one."

"Well, I think Neri is a pretty complex person."

I say nothing, pulling at the straw in my cola and causing the plastic lid to squeak.

Sitting here with my dad, chatting like this, it feels so good.

I expected some awkwardness, some silences I'd feel like I needed to fill with small talk but it's not like that at all - talking with dad is easy and once again I'm questioning why my mother painted him the villain.

"After the accident her mother had a break down and had to go away," my dad explains, "Neri moved in with her uncle but had to learn pretty quickly how to look after herself."

I tuck my hair behind my ear, bringing my feet up onto the dashboard.

"She just always seems so together," I say, "So happy."

"Well," with a brow raise, my dad nods, "Don't let outside appearances fool you, sometimes the happiest people are actually the saddest souls – they learn to hide their pain with a smile."

Dad turns back to the big screen, immediately immersed in the movie, but as Bill and Ted attempt their infinity push-ups I think about Neri with her big smile and her confidence. I think about her jumping from Cober Rock, her face as she dived over the edge – her determination and her courage.

I wonder if it was her past she wanted to wash away in the water, or I wonder if it was herself she wanted to lose in depths.