Diary ng assumera

It's either you have the feeling or you don't

This morning, I woke up earlier than usual, I usually wake up at 5:44 but this morning I woke up at 3:23 he's the reason why I have a fucked up body clock. Grr. Know what? Last night, I fell asleep thinking about you and woke up the exact same way. God, you're making me sane. This is not me, why you? Seriously? Why you? Damn, of all people? Why you Brix why? It's not that you're not okay. You are really, you're a perfect gentleman in fact. That make me like you even more, I have every right to like you, I have every reason to like you, but I don't want to.

1. Cecil likes you, and I love my friend. I don't want to see her get hurt again. She just got broken-hearted with Andrei last Saturday. And I live her that much, I could sacrifice.

2. I know that I'm not that special. I know that. I understand that.

3. I know, we are not meant to be. I mean you don't like me. I know that.

4. I don't want to be happy then get hurt at the end. And liking you, it automatically leads to assuming.

5. I don't want to get disappointed.

See? What I hold on to is that.

1. I like you. And I can't stop.

2. I see you look at me.

3. My friends see you look at me.

4. That's all.

You, see. I don't have much to offer. I'm not perfect, not pretty, definitely not sexy, not smart, not cool, not happy to be with, nothing. I'm just me, Elle. That's all. I have lots of friends, true friends to be exact.

This morning, when I went to school the first thing I did was to talk to Andrei. Who happens to be your friend, I asked him to check if you're mad or something because I feel guilty with having you to come over to my house. Which lead your mom to getting mad, and being ashamed of being with us. And I told Andrei to not mention my name when he talks to you about it.

Today was really a bad day. I got pissed with our new seat-plan. Which means no more funny Woax, no more chitchat with Pia, no more life lessons and advices from Nina. I was transferred to Nina's seat which is at the corner. Beside the wall, it's a lonely place. Gail, was seated behind me but it's not a happy thing since there's a wall at my back which separates me to the people behind me. And I was ,beside Luisa a girl who never talks. Then in front of me was Wacky. Thank God, but I can see he was busy nowadays. I think he's working on a book that he writes. So I don't want to bother him much. You were behind Gail which means I can't look at you anymore because I still have to turn 360 degrees, which is so obvious to do, so I can't do that. So there will be no glimpse of you and me anymore. And that means there's no more reason for me to hold on to. And the worst part? Is that I'm seated in this place.

I was stock in that boring place, with no one to talk to, stock there in that seat which you should have seated at but because you don't like me to be your seat-mate you told our advicer to place you somewhere else. And that broke my heart. It really did, you mofo! The seat-plan is Woax-Elle-Brix and I liked that. It was fun to sit with Woax, he's funny. And you, because I wanted to know you. But you didn't gave me the chance to, so I'll stop. I'll stop this shit, and forget about all this feelings, I'm good at killing feelings anyway. I'm good at hiding them. I'm used to this. If only I could tell you to avoid me, I would. So please, stop saying Hi to me, stop texting me, and don't ever look at me ever again! You see if only I could, I would. But I couldn't and I don't like to. Because I've already fallen for those, I loved you already... And you know how much I'd wished I never saw you looking at me too. And that Andrei and I's conversation didn't feel anything for me, I hope none of it happened, sana pinalapa nalang kita sa aso namin! Sana hindi nalang kita pinaghandaan! Sana hindi ka nalang sinama! Sana pinabayaan nalang kita umalis! Sana hindi nalang ako nag-Globe ulit para lang makatext ka! Sana hindi ko nalang pinabayaang umalis si Pao! Sana hindi ko nalang siya nasaktan! Sana hindi ko nalang inisip na may feelings ka din, kasi ang tanga-tanga ko! Elle, sana alam mo na hindi lang ikaw ang tao sa mundo niya, at wala ka lang! Hindi ka importante, okay? Kaya tumigil ka na! Tanga ka kasi! Assumera! Ang sakit, bakit ganun? Sobra na. Tama na. Kay Cecil ka nalang. Bahala na kayo, kaya ko 'to.