Whispers of the War

Kabanata 3

KABANATA 3.

Moments.

I CAN CLEARLY remember how I came out to my friends. Apollo was a great help then. The volleyball season on my rookie year haven't started yet but we're training.

As I said, my meetings with Apollo started when he was fetching his older sister on our trainings. Dahil rookie ako, iba ang training ko.

May seniors have more intense training, pero hindi rin papahuli ang training namin. Especially for me because I am the only libero that year.

The senior libero helped me train and guided me. Kahit wala kaming scheduled trainings ay nagt-train parin ako.

I was once invited by the men's volleyball team to practice with them. Laro-laro lang since wala ang couch nila at wala namang training dapat ang women's volleyball team.

They didn't know me then so I was teamed up with the seniors. But I guess I did a great job, I amused them. Kaya naman palagi na nila akong iniimbitahang mag-practice.

Doon ko rin naramdamang mag-receive ng malalakas na serve. Iba kasi ang lakas ng babae at lalake. Sa tingin nila ay masasanay ako sa malalakas na serve kung magp-practice ako kasama ang mga lalaki.

That was my routine then. After training with the women, lipat ako sa boys. Paulit-ulit iyon. Bago magsimula ang season ay nag-organize ng party ang parehong volleyball team.

That is when Apollo started to smell something fishy. He was there because he was waiting for his sister when he saw me alone on the booth.

He asked me things, personal things. Sinagot ko naman ‘yon dahil hindi naman bago kasi sabi ko nga, we started to became friends na.

But what I didn't notice is that, his questions are like the ways for him to know if I'm straight or not. Imagine my shock when he asked me THAT question.

“Are you straight?” napaawang ang bibig ko sa sinabi niya, hindi inaasahan ang tanong.

The way he ask that question is so casual. Iyong parang nagtatanong lang siya kung kumain na ako. I had a trouble answering his question.

Ilang beses akong napalunok at napakurap. I felt so nervous that I want to pee. No one had ever asked me that question.

By that time, I know that my gender preference is already bothering me. It started way back twelfth grade when I started having a crush on a girl.

I thought it was only a happy crush. But I started seeing her on a different way. I was too bothered that I didn't attended the class for three days.

I tried to deny it but the more I deny it, the more it came out. I was so confused. I know I like guys but why the hell I suddenly like that girl? Am I turning into lesbian?

But the answer's no. My feelings for that girl already faded and months after, I find myself crushing on a guy. I was so freaking confused.

Nasa point ako no'n na parang gusto kong mag-consult ng psychiatrist. But I suddenly remembered what Fita said before.

A person who like a guy and also likes a girl, it's bisexual. Doon ako nalinawan. Hindi ko ma-absorb noong umpisa pero unti-unti ko nalang na natatanggap. I'm a bisexual.

I didn't told anyone though. I was afraid that if they knew, they would distance themselves from me. I was afraid that they'll find it disgusting.

Ayaw ko no'n. Ayaw kong layuan ako ng mga kaibigan ko. So I didn't tell them, even my family.

But now, Noa Apollo is asking me this question. I felt so nervous. So what if I say yes? Lalayuan nila ako? Will they accept me? Natatakot ako.

Natatakot ako na baka kapag nalaman nila na bisexual ako, lumayo sila sa'kin. Takot na takot ako noon pero nagulat ako nang hinawakan ni Apollo ang balikat ko.