My Life Thoughts of Madness and Well Boredom

Hedgehog Dilema

How you ever felt that you love someone so much that it's better for you to be far from that person? That even if you want to remain close to them you know you're hurting them and in turn them you?

Hedgehogs are solitary creatures because their quills hurt each other. Even if they want to make bonds of friendship or love they can't because every touch among themselves brings them pain. However during winter when they get so lonely and cold they decide to huddle. Even as their quills hurt their love ones and in turn their loved one's quills hurt them, they still remain together. So during winter they don't feel coldness, instead they feel ,a burning warmth as they huddle together in a pool of their own blood.

This is a metaphor of human interaction and intimacy. Some of us our like that, our internal problems forming quills around us that hurt the ones we love. We can't bear to be alone yet we can't bear to hurt our love ones. However some of us are strong enough that they can withstand the pain, passing through the cold winters of life in meaningful groups,healing each other.

I'm not a strong person, physically, emotionally or mentally. I don't want to hurt and i can't bear to hurt those I love. Therefore even when I'm lonely and crumbling under my own problems I can't bear to hurt my friends with my problems. Everyone has their own internal demons and I can't dump my load of pain onto them and I can't withstand the combine weight of their and my problems.

For that reason I'm alone. Even when I want to be lifted of my sea of darkness by the kind hearts of my friends, I won't shout for help. Even if I feel my legs break and bones crushed underneath the weight of my problems, I won't called out for help. Even if I feel my demons destroying me from the inside, I won't cry out for help. The closer I get to those I love the more I hurt them.

I would much rather hurt than hurt others. I would rather just disappear under the oppressing ocean of my pain than be a burden to others. Vanishing into the endless void of time rather than be remember as a burden and an annoyance, that is me, Alipi.

Vote if you have ever felt this way.

Stay cool

Alipi out