𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕣𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 | ℙ𝕒𝕣𝕥 𝟚 𝕠𝕗 ' 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕔𝕝𝕚𝕔𝕙𝕖 ' HIATUS

lxxviii

" It hasn't been easy. . . ,"

" I can remember it all so well now and I don't know how to talk to Sirius about it, he doesn't talk about Azkaban so I don't think I should talk about what happened at St. Mungo's. It wasn't always sitting in my room, staring at the door, waiting for whatever healer was going to come through next. It was terrifying. Up until a year ago I hadn't touched grass in years, never felt the wind on my face- and for a while I thought I was going to die there, alone,"

She stared out the window and watched as a summer breeze blew the tall oak's leaves in her parents' backyard. She had spent seven summers sitting underneath it reading, had that really been twenty years ago? It felt like just yesterday she was seventeen, waiting for Sirius to come pick her up for one of their dates while Marlene and Nicole snogged upstairs. There was something comforting about that time, it wasn't perfect nor was it horrible. Peaceful's the word.

These poor children, will they ever get a chance to feel the way she had all those years ago. Did they view their futures as bleak and pointless? Were they scared for their lives?

" Even now that I'm out I can't seem to breathe. No matter how big of a breath I take nothing can fill that emptiness in my chest. So many years gone. And who knows if I have another? This time next year I could be dead from having fought in a war that should be long over. I already paid my time, I don't deserve this, no one does,"

' I'm in a hole,' said that voice in the back of her head, that voice that wasn't hers.

" I'm in a hole," she said aloud.

' And no matter how hard I try. . .'

" No matter how much I claw at the sides..."

' Or jump,'

" Or scream,"

' And cry,'

" Nothing," she whispered, " Nothing helps, I end up tired and beaten down, having made no progress whatsoever,"

Evelyn closed her eyes, trying to remember a time when her head hadn't been so full. When was the last time she had worried about what she was going to eat for dinner, what dress she would wear, when was the last time she had felt okay? Was it possible she had never felt okay?

You can be happy without ever being okay.

How many people went their lives never being okay?

Even as a child she had been always nervous, had bad habit of overthinking. She hadn't changed much as a teenager and young adult, maybe a little more confident, but there was always that static.

She could envision an old TV set with static buzzing across the screen.

When she ate in her family's dining room, over in the corner was the TV.

When she read her books, over in the corner was the TV.

When she was sleeping next to her husband, over in the corner was the TV.

A constant hum, it was never quiet.

" For a long time I just wanted to not exist, because for some reason it's never felt right being here."

" It's selfish, to just want to dissappear. But sometimes I just don't want to feel anything at all, and the truth is sometimes I don't feel anything. Just a numbness to everything that's going on, I shouldn't like to feel that way, but when it all becomes too much it's like a way for me to hide,"

" I can't let myself feel that way though, because it's not just me anymore. It's Eurielle, Harry, Sirius- everyone. If things don't go exactly how they went the last time, I don't know if I can get it back on track."