Wherever it takes us

Chapter 95

"Jackie open up" i hear Luke say through the other side of the door

"go away " i cry

"baby please"

i keep crying, Luke keeps knocking , the baby gets fuzzy and my head is pounding

i grab MJ and change his diaper

I look at the time "1:04am" why isnt MJ asleep

"come here baby" i grab MJ again and put his pjs on, i stopped breast feeding him a month ago but right now I dont want anything to do with anyone outside this room

I try breastfeeding him again and luckily he gets it, after a few seconds of struggling though

once he's asleep I lay him down on his playpin and connect his night light

i turn off the lights and slide against the door back to the floor

I dont know what I would do without Luke but I cant be like this anymore

I've been with Luke without a label for a year and a half now and I cant imagine my life without him , its time to find out how ill live it now

I stop hearing Luke on the other end, i walk out to see sleeping Luke on the floor outside the door

his face red, I cant sleep and I wont sleep especially in that bed

I go to the livivng room and clean up all the mess Luke made

by the time I get done cleaning its 9am

Luke wakes up and walks towards me "babe I had the worst nightmare ever"

i look blankly at him

"it wasnt a nightmare was it?" he asks dryly

i shake my head

"I dont know whats worst, the fact that I wont see MJ or the fact that I wont see you or wake up next to you anymore" his voice fails him and it cracks mid sentence

this breaks my heart

"as long as you arent drunk or whatever ill let you see MJ, theres no reason to not let you see him"

"are you sure?" he asks

i nod "you're a dad to MJ, i wont take that away from him"

"what about us?"

"there is no us" i say

i looks down and whipes his tears away "im sorry"

"so am i"

Luke walks back to ou-my room

i bit my lip and cry silently

a few minutes later he comes out with two suitcases

'call me if you need anything, I already said bye to MJ"

i look away and nod, theres no way im looking at him he will know im crying and I dont want that

"I love you" he waits til i say it back but I dont

I fucking love him more than my life but im not giving in, not again

he sighs and walks out and like that I dont see him anymore

-1 MONTH LATER , CHRISTMAS DAY-

I wake up early morning to make breakfast. Michael, Genesis, Calum and mom slept over

Michael and I slept in Mjs room, Mom slept in my room and Gen and Cal slept in the guest room

we stayed up til 4am talking and enjoying the fireplace with movies

the chrismas tree was filled with gifts but mostly for MJ which he was getting spoiled

I havent seen Luke since he left and still MJ misses him but I dont blame him, I do too

I start making pancakes and smile at the thought of MJ saying Uke everytime he wants to say Luke

which is every single day

Michael is trying to teach him his name but fails miserably

Michael told his parents that he was spending christmas with us and spilling everything , they didnt take it so well

Michael walks in the kitchen with sweats and a sweatshirt on

"pancakes?" he asks

"yeah, how many do you want?"

"4 please, but first " he pulls me into his chest and hugs me tightly and kisses all over my face "Merry Christmas"

"Merry Christmas" i laugh

i give everyone a few hours to wake up and they do, they wake up almost after MJ does

we all sit down and eat breakfast and get ready to open gifts

MJ is the first one to open gifts since he is already hitting one of them

Michael helps him open a small box, MJ got excited once he saw one of the lighty toys he never let go at the store

we spend about 2 hours opening gifts, Michael got me bracelets and a beautiful necklace, i got him a few stuff he always wanted and shockingly he still remembers he wanted them.

Michael got Mj a playhouse, those inflatable ones with balls inside except that it played songs

MJ was overwhelmed and extremely happy with his gifts which made me a very happy mother

about an hour later everyone but Michael left, Gen and Cal were spending the rest of their day with Calums family , mom was seeing someone "which im sure its the same guy she slept with when... ewwwww kill the image"

Someone knocks on the door "Michael can you open it? mom probably forgot something"

I grab MJ and change his diaper but he tries to run away

"come here" i laugh

he starts babbling when i hear the front door open

"Jackie you have a visitor" Michael calls

"tell them to come in!"

"uh okay"

I finish changing MJ and he rushes to his toys

"hey.."

i turn to see Luke..

my heartbeat increases to 100000000mph

i missed him so fucking much i want to throw myself at him and just kiss him but i hold back

"uhm hey" i smile a little

"can i give MJ his gift?" he asks

i nod "go for it"

he gets down to his knees" hey little man" he takes in his outfit and laughs "mommy sure knows how to dress you for the occassion huh?"

MJ notices Luke and has the brightest smile ever that makes my heart all warm and tingly

MJ automatically wants to play with Luke so he gives him some of his toys

Luke plays with him for a bit then hands him his gift " Merry Christmas MJ" 

MJ rips it but he cant open it so Luke helps him, he gets him a couple of toys

"i hope its okay that I came to drop off his gift"

i nod "its fine"

Michael excuses himself to the bathroom

"I knew he would be here" he says lowly

"well its christmas so"

he nods "I have your gift in the car, ill bring it later"

like that he kisses MJ and walks out