Safe Word

Chapter 19- Confessions of a Dominant

Ok so here's the thing. I'm in my senior year of college and being a senior during COVID time and applying to grad school and keeping a good GPA is really hard. I'm so sorry I put this story on the back burner but I have a break from school now and I have so many things to write for this story So I'm excited.

Now I Know you all have been waiting 3 months for this chapter, I'm so sorry for the wait I hope it's everything you like!

Spencer's POV

10-11-2019

I sat there looking at my sweet boy, waiting for him to say something to me. He looks so nervous right now, and that is the last thing I want him to feel when he is talking to me. I think I should start the talking this time.

"Baby.. do you want me to talk first?" I ask him softly, looking him directly in the eyes. It takes him a moment to meet my gaze but when he does I smile at him and he nods at me, showing me a smile as well. A rather shaky smile though. 

"Ok baby... I wanted to talk to you about something... I want you to know that I am not mad, I am not angry, nor am I upset" I start eyeing his emotions. He seems calm now so I think it's ok if I keep going. 

"Tyler I-..." I start to feel my emotions build up even when I think about this. "That night in your room... when I walked in on you. I meant every word that I said to you. I want you to know you are not broken... you are so strong Tyler it amazes me. The things that you have shared with me about what you have been through keep me up at night, I cannot imagine how much they haunt you." I pause for a minute while he looks in his lap, bringing his legs closer together. 

He's closing in on himself

"You are worth so much Tyler. You make me so happy and I am so blessed to spend so much time with you. But I know that something is off. I can see it every day. Ever since that night in your room I have noticed how you smile so much around me but that smile falls when I'm not looking. I notice how you don't look in the mirrors, in fear of what you'll see. I know about those nights on the balcony, and how close you get to the edge. I know about how you cry yourself to sleep quietly. Baby I know what is going on and it really hurts me that I am allowing this to happen. You deserve the world Tyler and I will be damned if I am not the man to give it to you. But I need you to open up to me baby. I need you to talk to me and tell me what is going on." I gently lift his chin and see the tears flowing down his face, causing my heart to break.

"Tyler.. baby.. I want to help you. Please tell me what's wrong" I finish my talk and gather him up in my arms. I sit back on the couch and place him in my lap so he is straddling me, my arms wrapped around him tightly. Both to comfort him and to stop him from hiding away his feelings. "Please" I whisper as I lean into his chest and listen to his heartbeat. 

"Spencer I-... I never wanted to cause you this much pain" He says in a shaky breath. I meet his gaze and I smile sadly at him. Little does he know how much love hurts. I would take a bullet for this boy sitting in my lap right now and I'm not even sure that he know's that. 

"You're right Spencer..I have been hiding my emotions from you, but it was for this very reason. I did not want to drag you into my pain and suffering because you don't deserve that. You don't deserve to suffer to consequences of my actions or my past. What I'm going through is my fault and me bringing you into this is exactly what I was afraid of because I care about you Spencer... I care about you and I know how much you gave up to start training me, I know what has been going on around me and I don't want to be the nuisance that I have been being..." 

I continue to stare into his eyes as he is talking to me. Tyler is saying that what happened to him is his fault, which I of course disagree with. Any sane human would disagree with this because Tyler was completely helpless for most of his childhood, he had no defenders there to help him at all. Tyler is blaming this whole situation all on himself and I think this is where all of his pain and suffering is coming from. By blaming himself for everything he is carrying that weight and that weight is becoming too much for him. 

That's it!

"Spencer I never meant to hurt you I'm sorry that me trying to process emotions got in the way and has caused you pain" Tyler says and I squeeze my arms tighter around him. He wraps his shaky arms around me and we just sit there on the couch for a few silent moments. His heartbeat starts to calm down and I take that as my cue to talk.

"Tyler I want you to know that you suffering Is not dragging me into anything. I am making this my business because I care about you and I want what's best for you. Everyone does Tyler, and you suffering at all is going to become my business because soon you will be mine, and I will be yours. Tyler I care about the people in my life and you can't imagine how much I care for you" I say, listening to his heartbeat start to pick up again. 

"Tyler, I want you to know that I think you are the most beautiful, talented, and special boy I have ever met. Everyday I get to spend with you is the best day of my life and every time you trust me enough to kneel below me is the luckiest day of my life. I want you to trust me and I want you to let me into that little head of yours because I want you to know that I am here for you and I am not leaving you" 

I feel him start to shake a little and I hear a shaky breath come out. I pull back and watch tear after tear roll down my sweet babies cheeks. I wipe each one away as I continue talking to him.

"Tyler I know what it's like to feel pain, to feel hurt, and to not have a accepting past but please know when I say this I mean it. Your past has nothing to do with how I feel about you Tyler. You are such an amazing boy to me and the boy I fell for is the same boy I fell for even now that I know more about you. You are not defined by your past, and you are not defined by who your mind plays you out to be"

I feel the tears start coming down my cheeks this time

"You are the kind boy I love coming home too.... The sweet boy that always knows how to make me smile.... the beautiful boy that doesn't know how much I adore him... you're the boy that I want to be with Tyler... you-"

I choke on my words as I look up at him, both of us teary eyed and both of us shaking slightly. I need to say what is on my mind, I need to tell him how I feel. I need to finish what I started that night in his room. 

"I can't even put into words how much you mean to me Tyler" I whisper leaning in to peck his lips softly. I rest my forehead on his as he shakes slightly letting tears fall.

"Tyler, from day one I told myself that you were going to be different and I couldn't have been more correct. I have never been so captured by a boy before and never have I fallen this hard for a boy Tyler... I need you to know that when I say this I mean it with all of my being Tyler"

I tilt his chin up and look him dead in the eyes.

"Tyler... I love you" 

Tyler gasped as the words left my lips. I looked at him, scared that I came on to fast or I chose the wrong time to confess my love for him. 

"Please" I say hiding my face in his chest. This is the effect this little pup has on me. Here I am the big bad Dominant, begging Tyler to say something after I just confessed my love to him. 

"I-" Tyler starts to say and my head shoots up to look at him. I need to know his reaction to this moment. "I love you too Spencer" he whispers and my heart explodes. The smile on my face after this confession must have been massive because even Tyler was smiling at me. 

I stood up with him still in my arms and kissed him long and deep, feeling him writher under my control. I pulled away panting and looked him in the eyes and saw those bright green emerald eyes that I love so much. 

"I will never stop caring about you Tyler... and we will get through this together" I say and he nods at me smiling slightly. 

The road ahead is long, but I know that we will come out the other end victorious. For now, it's time to schedule a meeting with Justin, therapy is calling our name.

I actually got teary eyed writing this because damn COVID-19 has me really feeling lonely and since physical touch is my top love language I am SUFFERING. Anyway I'll live through Tyler.

LOVE YAAA

SEE YAAAA

BYEEEEEEE