Roots - h.s

23.

                 Wherever you are...
              Whenever you need me....

HARRY'S POV:

    I roll in my bed after around a week and a half of staying in mostly, and not speaking to hardly anyone except Carson, and sadly Mason too . I'm mad at myself for what happened. Incredibly angry at myself. I've had a bit more time to think on everything and it's all starting to make sense. After the phone call with Stephanie, and my breakdown that night I was incredibly on edge, and the thought of losing Sterling because of the lack of physical touch was swimming around in my mind all night after Steph called. The thought of her possibly wanting it, and not getting it. The thought of her wanting to hold my hand but not, or wanting to kiss me but not even though I know she wants it... I don't want to be some loser that can't. I don't want to be the person that holds her back from experiencing that despite how trivial it is.

    So when she was here.. When she suggested, and I suggested this being more than a simple fling.. Talking about traveling together... I thought to myself that there's no way she's going to stick around if I can't move on from my past.. There's no way she'll feel the same way about me as I feel about her if I can't get past this.. So I kissed her, but I kissed her hard, and it was exhilarating. At first I felt free, and I felt warmth, and adrenaline. A bit of nerves, but nothing that made me fear more. She was hesitant and gentle, and then the moment I felt her fingers touch my skin I panicked, and I don't know why but I did, and I couldn't help myself. Right away I saw her look of disappointment. I saw it on her face, and I panicked.

    I can't give her what she wants. I'll never be able to give her that at this point.. And seeing her look so disappointed in me made me want to scream. Seeing her look at me like she wants to hold my hand and she wants to kiss me makes me so mad at myself. So I broke it off.. I broke it off because I'll never be enough. I fear abandonment.. I fear her leaving for that reason, and the embarrassment and hurt I would feel if it were to happen later on in the relationship... Because I am falling for her. I'm falling hard for her so it's better for me to leave now before I'm too far gone.. Before she can leave me first.

    I don't know if she meant to touch me like that. I don't know if she just didn't think about it. I don't know if she's confused or completely aware of what happened. I know she has no idea how I'm feeling, and the truth behind it is I don't know how she's feeling. I know she called but she's hard headed. She could've called for an explanation as to why I freaked out the way I did, but I can't give her that because it'll hurt me. It'll hurt to explain those feelings to her, and worse than that it'll be more embarrassing if she doesn't understand them.

I've talked to Carson once after seeing him.It's not that I don't want to see him it's that I don't want to get up. I don't want to see anyone but Sterling, but I shouldn't see her... I have been ignoring my mum and Robin. They know something happened because they haven't seen or heard anything from me or Sterling so it's not that hard to figure out, but I'm not going to talk to either of them about it. They're too intrusive. They'd ask too many questions, and that would lead to questions about Stephanie, and i'm not ready for that either.. Especially not without Sterling.. 

I haven't bothered to look in the backyard. I don't want to know if she's not out there. I don't want to know at all. Or if she is out there, and she's completely fine like nothing is wrong which I feel like might be the case... She's a virgo, she'll drown herself in work to distract herself from everything else till she forgets it all together.. My phone starts ringing, and I see Gemma's name which makes me sigh in relief. I haven't talked to her since she got home. Though I don't plan on telling her my problems with Sterling I plan on hearing her talk about her own problems so I can ignore my own.