One Direction Series (Extra Material)

Hurt No One - Tammy

Hello. This one goes before chapter 37 (last chapter of Masquerade), meaning, before Liam and Tamy get back together. 

Bel, xx

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Hurt No One - Tammy

Since Bruno introduced me to music, this has been my salvation and my way to channel. I’ve hidden behind music and my talent so no one else can touch me and hurt me. I reckon I’m not the same girl after I met Liam and all what’s happened between us. I know it’s over and that I fucked it up. I know I was the bloody idiot and no matter how much I apologise, he won’t forgive me. It’s all my fault. I know it. I fucking know it. I lost him after I realised I loved him. I still love him. But he doesn’t feel the same way anymore, he can’t possibly feel like he once did because I betrayed his trust, I stabbed him in the back without even knowing I was doing so. How typical of me, to hurt someone without even realising I’m hurting them. I’m that big of a parasite. No wonder my parents never accepted me because even if I find someone who could care about me, I screw it up.

I failed Bruno because I couldn’t save him, I couldn’t help him.

I failed Liam because I used him, I never thought of his feelings when I opened my mouth and ruined things between us.

But the world moves on and I this won’t wait up for me to recover. Broken as I feel, lost and disorientated because Liam turned my world upside down, he opened the curtains and let the light come in to let me see things I never fathomed and now it’s all pitch black again and my eyes haven’t adjusted just yet. But I’m a survivor, alone as I am, I’ll survive.

And in the meantime, I’ll shield in music.

Janet suggested us to do some covers to upload on YouTube, something simple that our fans would like and I’m all up for it. I’ve been the one to suggest all the songs and I surprised my band mates by the diversity of them. From Jessie J with “Nobody’s Perfect” to The Used with “Hurt No More” and that’s the cover we’re recording right now. Lyrics that speak to me and music that pours my pain and despair.

I never meant to hurt no one
Nobody ever torn me down like you
I think you knew it all along
And now you'll never see my face again 

I sing, feeling in my very guts the weight of these words and the irony of the song. It’s not that songs are written about a specific experience. I mean, they are, but songs are generic enough so anyone in a similar situation can relate and feel like the song is speaking about them.

I never meant to hurt nobody
And will I ever see the sun again?
I wonder where the guilt had gone
I think of what I have become
And still

I want to laugh at that part, the sneer clear on my face as I look at the camera. For this one I’m not playing my guitar, which makes me feel naked, exposed, which makes the song even more powerful. I grab the microphone and hold on to it as Leanne plays the drum exactly like in the song demands, powerful like my heartbeat, intoxicating like my pain and Emma and Skyler keep the melody raw like my own feelings.

Now I'm taking what is mine
Letting go of my mistakes
Build a fire from what I've learned
And watch it fade away
Because I have no heart to break
I cannot fake it like before
I thought that I could stay the same
And now I know that I'm not sure
I even love me anymore

I hit the chorus with all the intensity and rage and pain I feel it burning in my soul, I feel my throat hurting for what I have to do to match Bert’s screams.

I never met to hurt on one
Nobody ever torn me down like you

 Emma sings the first line, then Skyler the second, creating an echo and repeat a few times before I break into the chorus again, feeling like the words rip my heart open, showing everyone what I’m feeling inside, especially my regret.

I never meant to hurt him… or anyone. I know it won’t be the same again, that he’ll never see me again, that I’ll never see the sun again but I have to move on and even if I love my music and what I do, what I loved about myself I resent myself because it was for my career that I said those things about Liam… partially.

I shout and sing, I pull my clothes as if like that I could tear away the pain. I pull out my hair in what it might look like just a hard rock performance, but it’s just my pain. When I sing the last word my voice is hoarse and a single tear is rolling down my face. I thrown the microphone to the ground, turn on my heels and walk way, feeling like my chest is burning and I can’t stand it anymore. The pain is eating me alive right now and I need space to put myself together before I take what is mine, the pieces of me that remain, and carry on, shattered as I am.