Closet rats

14 Ben

So... What happened? Last night! Oh my god. Im truly so happy. Eliot is gay! He is gay and he.. Well, we, we, WE MADE OUT ON HIS BED! I cant believe this! This is all that i have wanted since I knew I was gay. I wanted my first kiss to be sweet. And it was. It was sweet and with a guy that i have liked for a very very long time! But im sad that he isnt out. We cant be a thing. Although, who knows, that might have just been all we were. Just a thing. For one night. What if he doesnt like me. Oh my god i cant handle this. What if its a temporary crush he has on me? Do you know how painful that is for me? Like i really like someone and then they say that they really like me too, but they actually dont really. They just did at the time. Thats not fun!! Trust me. Jesus i need ice-cream. But anyway. I wish he was out so badly. I want to claim him as mine so no one else can have him. I got a text from Clair a few minutes ago. 

Clair: So I heard you got with my boyfriend =P
Me: Yeah man!
Clair:How for did you go?
Me: Some heavy making out =3
Clair: Oh you nasty boys you haha
Me: Hell yes. Do you think he actually likes me?
Clair: Yeah i reckon he does, he falls pretty fast tbh
Me: Okay cheers!

So she knows. I just hope that no one else knows. I mean id be fine with it but Eliot really doesnt want anyone knowing about it. I mean i guess i understand because he is popular and he doesnt want to get thrown to the bottom of the pile like i was. But thats just what happens isnt it. I was already at the bottom of the pile so it wasnt too harsh for me, but it would be a huge fall for him. But i guess thats just life and he wont be able to hide from it his whole life now can he. Because its who he is. I remember when i came out first to my brother and father. They were the easiest ones to come out to because we were so close, but that doesnt actually mean that it wasnt difficult. I sat them down on the couch with some chips and dip. I had it all sorted, i had written a speach and everything, i knew exactly what i was going to do. I sat down in front of them and just burst into tears. I remember it clearly.

"Dad, Mickey. I need to tell you something..... Its ver.... very hard for" Thats when the tears started to come out. "I cant.... Im just......  I cant live like this..... Because. Im just" And i couldnt go on. Mickey came and sat next to me and put his arm around me.
"Bro its okay take your time. We're here for you man. We care about you. Youre scaring me man."
"Im sorry" I sniffled in between sobs. "Im not myself, untill i tell you this....." The whole speech was gone and my words were just really jumbled. "Its hard to say who i really am, because... This... These days, you just cant be someone like me." Another sob pushed through. "Dad. Im.... Im... Im gay." i was drowning in a puddle of my own tears by this time. My brother had tears in his eyes, and on the word, tears dropped down my fathers cheeks.
"Its okay son. We knew there would be something. You just were different. But thats not bad, because we love you. And we want you to find love, whether that be a boy or a girl. And for you it will be a boy, and im sure...." He let out a small sob as he too came and put his arms around me. "Im sure you will find an amazing man to fill your heart with. Your mother and brother and I love you unconditionally. And i know that out there are people the same as you who are having hard time. And i know they dont have as supporting parents as you do, but they will have someone to support them. But you son. You are loved now, and always will be. And at least now we wont have to worry about you getting girl pregnant." I managed a wet laugh. By this time my eyes were burning but i was so happy that i could now be myself around the house. Its a start, and although it may take a while before anyone else knows, I have someone supporting me and thats the best thing i could have. I knew mum will end up finding out through dad and she did about a week later.