internet friends

fuck you - 12

TW: Quick suicide mention.

It's a long walk back to my house and the cold is whipping against my face. I can't let myself cry yet. Not over her. 

But for fucks sake, I trusted her with my life, and she just goes and throws all of it away. Why am I surprised? I let it happen once before. Four times, I suppose. I miss her comforting me. She's always been so good at it. Billie gives really good hugs and her voice is really soothing to listen to. She'd never just sit there in awkward silence, waiting for it to be over. She'd tell me everything was going to be okay, that she'd make it be okay. And I believed her. I did. I really believed her and all I wanted to do was make her happy. 

She told me she loved me. I told her I loved her. 

I only just realize how goddamn tired I am. I stop walking for a moment and sit down on the wet curb. I finally just snap. A sob tears from my body, my throat burning from holding my tears back.

I remember the first time I saw Billie cry. The way her face scrunched up when she cried, how she desperately tried to hold back her tears, blinking them back, biting her lips, and then finally giving in. It really hurt to watch her cry and not be able to do anything than to talk to her. But what hurt more was that she broke my heart even worse than my ex.

⋆⋆⋆

I haven't left my bed in three days. People have been texting me a lot, but I haven't had the energy to respond or even read them. I weakly reach onto my nightstand and see over three hundred missed messages. 200 from Billie, a couple from Finneas, two or three from Maggie offering me food and hugs if I needed it. About fifty from my managers and friends, and then one from my ex asking me if I wanted a quick fuck. Gross.

I texted Maggie back a quick 'hey, thank you, i'm alright, but thank you for the offers.' I add a smiley face. I read Billies messages, but there's nothing I want to say to her. She's not even explaining herself, just begging me to listen to her and apologizing over and over. I felt a little bad as I kept reading them, she started worrying I'd... you know, offed myself.  

I bite the dead skin off my lips, deciding not to respond. Finneas seems worried about me more so than Billie, but he also claims that he feels bad because it was partially his fault. 'please let everyone know i'm okay, i'm not ready to talk yet.' I respond. He sends me back a thumbs up. 

Maggie replies with a, 'Okay, sweetie! Just let me know if you need anything!' She's the sweetest woman alive. Too bad her daughter couldn't inherit that. 

I'm not gonna let her ruin my life. It doesn't revolve around her. I climb out of bed and run a comb through my hair. My eyes are bloodshot and I look like I'm either high or crying. It may or may not be both. I won't say. 

I know I'm going to have to talk it out with her at some point, but I'm really not looking forward to it.