The Smallest Knight

Neals First Christmas

Neal fidgeted his fingers, anxiety grew worst and worst. He wishes their vacation lasted longer, but time moved too quickly. Few days they officially returned home after a brother road trip and bonding time at Finn's favorite winter vacation spot. They ate at restaurant, rode rides, and shopped constant hours; arriving home met Christmas's arriving soon. These last few days past hardly allowed Neal comprehending how important Knights adore Christmas. Finn listed several family traditions: youngest go first during gift exchange, eldest family member always cuts the ham, similar to Thanksgiving that every person shares their favorite part about Christmas, one child, chosen by adults, chooses a Christmas movie everyone watches. No doubt they'll pick Neal; his first Christmas among Knights and they'll definitely pick their newest family member. Tonight, their relatives are celebrating at Finn and Neal's apartment. Finn's cooking and cleaning while Neal's putting together reasons why he loves Christmas. So far he's worked creating thoughts for one hour and he keeps hitting a problem: Neal Knight never loved Christmas. He never was given a reason too; Christmas time met Chris gets depressed and drunk than Molly blows their money. Years past, Neal grew unhappy among holiday seasons. Christmas day he stay in his bedroom sobbing desperately wishing Chris's unhappiness was healed. Some holidays, the teen believed gifts were placed below a decorated tree. Each time he's disappointed. Never was there presents, trees, decorations, or family. He was alone hating Christmas. Some memories he tries forgetting; some are to hard forgetting. One particular Christmas Eve Neal recalls, not a happy night he remembers.
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Like most Christmas Eves, Chris and Molly are shouting unbelievably loud. Their non stop fighting shakes their household, frightened 10 year old Neal remains hidden. He learned his room creates sanctuary from Chris and Molly: they forget he's even home and never check their sons bedroom. Some nights when his parents fight, Neal looks outside a large window beside the bed. Wearing Spider-Man themed pajamas and clutching a small book, Neal gazes outside watching snow fall gently. Watching snow keeps him occupied instead overhearing two grown adults bicker. Argument topics change year to year: some our about money, others regard Chris drinking, Molly's cruel behavior or Neal crying about their screaming. "DAMN YOU CHRIS! YOU THINK I AM SOME BITCH?! FINE, I'LL SHOW WHAT A BITCH CAN DO!" Glass shattering echoes, Neal closes his ears pretending he's somewhere else. He pictures book stores, movie theaters and sometimes another family. Few nights a year, Neal imagines having a perfect family whom loves him beyond years. Perhaps a dad who doesn't drink and get depressed, a mother that actually loves him and won't hurt him. He also imagines a older brother, another person to have as a friend, a person who Neal talks to. His heart cries out for Christmas morning filled with laughter and presents, not two parents verbally attacking their spouse. "WHAT THE HELL MOLLY?! Breaking our wedding photo?! JESUS, YOUR PURE EVIL! I WISH WE NEVER GOT MARRIED! Five long years stuck with you..." Chris's voice hisses. "Dad was right, I should have married Joseph King who owns restaurant chains! Not some pathetic asshole who gets drunk!" Molly screeched. "Asshole? I'm the asshole? I work day and night  providing our family with hard earn cash which you blow on dumb shit!" Neal starts whimpering, swearing means their getting angrier. "Excuse me? You spend cash on medication and beer! You blow our money!" Molly shouted. Neal hides under the big blanket. "SHUT UP! I NEED MEDICATION MOLLY! NO PERSON UNDERSTANDS HOW DEPRESSION CRIPPLES PEOPE! Every damn Christmas Eve, my depression worsens. I want to end pain forever! Most nights I stare at that sharp kitchen knife pondering if killing myself is the best choice. I stand there frozen When looking at the blade, I think whatever night it may be, that nights my last." Chris shutters. "What stops you Chris? What's stopping you from ending life?" Molly asked him. "Our son. God knows I'm nowhere father of the year material. However, Neal makes life worth living." A moment of silence follows. "He's not enough Chris. Loving Neal doesn't let you quit drinking." Molly softly said. "Your love towards Neal hasn't stopped you getting depressed. Admitting loving someone isn't enough, showing their love makes a difference is what matters. You say loving Neal keeps life worth living, but you treat life terribly. Drinking and getting depressed isn't a life worth living. I know why my dear husband won't kill himself." She growled. "He won't kill himself because he's weak!" Neals heart ached. "Go to hell." Her husbands spats. "I'm already there Chris." Neal hears someone get slapped loudly. Neal hates when Molly hurts his dad, she always hurts Chris. Chris never raises a hand to her, she uses her husbands weakness to hurt him physically and mentally. "Bitch..." Chris yelled. "Asshole. Do us a favor and kill yourself. Okay sweetie?" Neal eyes shed tears, he hears Molly march upstairs. Like always, Chris slams the front door shut. He leaves each Christmas Eve half drunk, and returns few days later. "DAMN IT-DAMN IT-DAMN IT-DAMN IT!" Molly kicks a nearby door. "Dumb ass husband." Molly whispers. Neal continues softly crying, he checks the wall clock. Midnight struck, alone and sad, Neal climbs out of bed. He goes under the bed pulling out a wrapped gift. Neal sat down down on the floor, he wrapped opens the wrapped paper revealing a tiny box. Within the same box lays his brand new book he bought months ago. Neal manages buying something for himself each year. He wraps the gift and keeps it safe until Christmas morning. "Merry Christmas..." Neal whispers. He sits alone and quietly cries endlessly. He never understood why people Christmas, they say Christmas brings families happiness. Than why does his Christmas bring depression, why does it cause loneliness, why does Christmas share no joy? All Neal wanted was his family happiness. Yet, every single holiday he ends up alone.
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"Are we picking out our outfit or sleeping." Neal's mind distracted him finding clothes, Finn glances down at his baby brother lying in bed with paper and pen. "What ya writing?" Finn asked. Neal awkwardly shoves his list away, "Nothing." Finn raises both eyebrows, "Uh huh." He smirked. "Honestly." The smaller brother fakes smile. "What's the matter Neal?" Being big brother means knowing when one owns young brother shows discomfort simply by their facial expressions. "Tried writing reasons why I loved Christmas. Got zero answers." Neal showed his blank paper. "Aww buddy, are you worried about tonight family get together?" Neal shamefully nodded. "Yes, tomorrows Christmas Day and tonight's my first Christmas Eve with the Knights! I'm scared to speak because I'll say stupid things or ruin everyones time! And what if you don't like your gift? I'll get panic attacks, the adults choose a kid to find the Christmas movie and we know I'm their choice! What if I pick the wrong movie no family member enjoys?God, Christmas isn't a happy time for me, and...and...and." Neal chest righted, he started hyperventilating. "Kiddo, shhhh! Take a deep breathe." Finn cooed, he picked Neal up pressing the teen against his chest. "I...c...can't! Pan...panic attack..." Neal whimpers, he hides his face against Finn's chest. "Watch, inhale and exhale." Finn inhaled and exhales slowly. Neal take several calming breathes. "Excellent, calmly describe what's causing issues." He said. "Mom and dad ruined Christmas, many reason why I despise festive holidays. Our family's making us say our favorite part about Christmas and I tried thinking some ideas. However, nothing popped inside my head! We know everyone's picking me to choose their movie tonight; I haven't watched a holiday themed movie before. What if I pick a stupid movie and ruin their evening? Worst, I'm afraid you'll hate the gift I got you-CRAP!" Neal shut his mouth, he ruined Finn's secret Santa. "Dude, I was your name?" Finn asked. "Yeah, sorry about ruining the surprise." Neal blushed. "Surprise not ruined! Still no clue what the gift is!" His big brother said. "Wanna taste icing off the knife? Mom let me lick the icing every year!" Neal nodded hearing Finn's offer. The youngest brother enjoys hearing any small moments about Finn's mother Emma; Finn barley mentions her. "What was she like?" Neal asked him carefully, Finn blinked few times suddenly dropping his cheerful face. "Caring, kind hearted, sweet, brave-those were moms best personality traits. "She sounded wonderful. Would your mom like me?" Neal felt rude asking questions regarding upsetting subjects. "Yes, shame you two never met." Finn cleared his throat. Dropping their sad conversation, Finn sat Neal at the kitchen counter; he grabbed a human size spoon dipping through green icing. Neal delightfully takes the spoon licking icing layers off. Neal enjoys tasting sugary snacks:too often big brother Finn forbids Neal eating many sweets. "Yum! More please!" He politely asked. "No can do. Kids shouldn't eat sugary snacks before dinner." The giant lectured. "Unfair, adults eat unhealthy foods way before their meals!" Neal can't count how many times he's witnessed Finn sneaking cookies between breakfast, lunch, and dinner. "Adults are permitted doing anything we want to." Finn smirked. "Can I wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt tonight? Dress pants are highly uncomfortable!" He begged, Finn fails understanding why teens refuse wearing appropriate outfits. "Answers's no kiddo. Wear jeans, sweater and get a shower!" Finn scooped up Neal setting his baby brother on top of the huge head. Neal greatly hates sitting here, Finn's hair gets inside his mouth and the giant loves swaying back and forth creating fear of falling off. "FINN KNIGHT!" Neal screamed, Finn leaned right and left bouncing his head rapidly. Finn loves annoying Neal, the way Neals face turns red and his voice get higher. "QUIT-QUIT-QUIT!" Finn continued taking large steps feeling Neal bounce each time his feet met the ground. "I'm finished, get dress and grab a shower! Guest arrive shortly, shout if you need anything. Super excited we're celebrating your first Christmas." Finn shut let Neal back inside the tiny bedroom and shut the roof not noticing Neal's worried facial expression. "First Christmas...yay." Neal whispers awkwardly. "Okay, first Christmas Neal. Nothing stressing about, keep a cool head, calm attitude. I got this... I got this." He lied, first official Christmas among family members he's known one year isn't stress free. Neal began picking out his outfit and mentally preparing for the evening.