Discovering myself (18+)

37. In a challenging commitment

I follow the guys and the waitress to our table, using them to hide from Andrew's view, it is already embarrassing enough for me to see him on a date, I don't need him acknowledging me.

On a date, he is on a date, I can't believe him! He told me he doesn't do dates, yet I viewed the look on the girl's face, the way she is looking at him, the way she touches him, she is clearly into him.

I couldn't see his face thought, but let's face it, he brings her here, she has his phone number, she is at least a thousand steps in front of me.

Maybe he just doesn't want to do dates with me.

I don't even know his last name, imagine having his phone number. I bet she knows everything about him.

There is a part of me trying to convince myself she still can be his sister, but I know better, I saw the picture of him and a girl looking exactly like him, with tawny hair, not black stupidly shining hair.

It is too shiny; I hope it blinds him.

The look on her face doesn't lie as well, she is not family, if she is, she is up for family business, she doesn't care about incest.

Our table is located on the opposite side of theirs, I can't see them from here and I'm grateful for it.

Steve and Mark are cheerfully chatting, I couldn't focus on it though. I'm being a horrible company, but it is stronger than me.

They are being so kind to me, giving me advice about what I should try, the food is really amazing. They have varieties of sushi; dishes I have never tried before.

There is a big sushi roll, with a mix of salmon raw, flamed, and cooked tangled, holding other ingredients I don't know inside of it, I swear even in this dark moment it is the best thing I have ever eaten. It makes me taste a little bit of heaven while I am in my personal hell.

We talk, well in fact they talk, I know I would be laughing a lot if I was in a better mood, still, I can't. The truth is I just want to go home however I stayed longer with them because I don't want to see Andrew with the girl, who I can't neglect is Alicia. I'm so frightened to see them kissing, their leaving, him holding her in his arms, I don't even go to the bathroom, which believe me I need for the past thirty minutes.

Peeing in my pants is less scary than seeing him with her.

Or not restraining my mouth and asking her what product she uses to make her hair shine like that.

If her hair smells like pear, I swear I'm going to kill myself.

On the way back home, walking, confused and devastated, not paying attention to the lights passing I just need to avoid being the person who cries on the street right now, it has become my priority of the night, as avoiding images of them together on my bed.

Thoughts and assumptions and feelings are all messed up and tangled inside my head. I can't stop wonder, I can't stop thinking, trying to understand.

It is scary, I am not being able on dealing with my feelings, not even understanding them, I have never felt like this before, I wasn't this scared when Brandon broke up with me.

I just want to think about something else and forget, ignore Andrew's existence, erase him, and this sharp pain in my guts.

I have my fingers on my phone, while I'm walking they are tapping, searching for something, something to help me forget. Before I realized what I'm doing I'm calling Brandon and I know it is probably a mistake, that I probably shouldn't, I comprehend it is ridiculous, but I couldn't control my desperate fingers.