Love in Chipilo-Drabbles Scomiche

42: Customer

The cashier looks at me worried about my face, I would be too, I looked at myself this morning, I know what my eyes look like, I didn't sleep at all, but come on. A bit of professionalism with a customer won't kill her. I grab my shit, a carton of milk, and a package of cookies and then I walk towards the park and then I start thinking again and again about the conversation I just avoided with Mitch by waking up earlier and getting out of the house. 

I don't want to have that conversation, I know it's immature, hiding like this from him, but what else can I do? I wish I could say I feel anxious but it's something else, I feel wrecked. People often say that Mitch is broken, but I feel like Mitch is a fucking wrecking ball, and I'm just... something blank and powerless that he can throw down.

Just the thinking of Mitch wanting to go back... I mean, it never crossed my mind the idea of going back for something else than vacations, but Mitch wants to live there...

And it is not like I can change his mind, he is with me just because Pablo is dead, not because he chose me over him.

I stayed in the park a bit more, it was probably 11: 00 a.m. when I decided to go home.

Mitch was on the couch, with a notebook and a pen.

"What are you doing?"

"Where were you?" We asked almost at the same time. He smiled at me.

"You answer first."

"I asked first."

"Yeah, but I wanted to know first. I woke up alone and wondered where you did go, so answer first."

"Everything has to be the way you say, right?" I said sitting by his side.

"Yeah... technically that's how being the little child works."

"Can't fight that logic," I said. How is it that he has this fast mind? "I was in the park... thinking, asking heaven for some... answers, and I only got more questions."

"It happens."

"It's not funny, Mitch. I'm here having mini panic attacks, you can't make jokes about it."

"I'm not trying to be funny." He whispers while he hugs his legs. "I'm just trying to make things easy. To speak like we were just friends, you wouldn't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad."

"Of course you are. And I understand, I'm fragile, not stupid, Scott, if you have something to say you should say it."

"Why do you want to live in Mexico? I don't understand, you were born here, we have everything we need, and we are in Texas, for God's sake, if you want something from Mexico you can get it in the fucking H.E.B."

"I was raised there, Scott. And my family is there, I know you can't understand it, I know you think here is better, and maybe it is but that doesn't mean I don't miss the place I'm coming from."

"And why with me is different? Don't you think that I will miss Texas too?"

"What would you miss? Your sisters live in another city, your parents are in Puebla, you don't visit your aunts, your favorite food is KFC, you work from home and your home is made of wood! A fire, a tornado, or a flood can take it away! In a minute! What is really holding you here?"

"What holds you there? What holds you back, Mitch?"

"Do you think I'm doing this for Pablo? How can you? I told you I love you already Scott, What else do you want from me?!"

"To actually love me! It's too much to ask?" He closed his mouth in a fine line and then he walked away but before starting to climb the stairs he said.

"You don't know how strange it is to get out and don't recognize your surroundings, to have to go to specific places to listen to the language in which your mind actually thinks, even... even the fucking tomatoes taste different, I- I just don't fit here. I recognize that I improved, I recognize that being here helped, but I was running away... and I don't want to do it anymore, I have lots of issues waiting to be solved back home, and yeah, it has to do with Pablo, but the fact that I still love him doesn't mean that I don't love you."