Isa lang naman ang hiling ko eh.
Gusto ko lang namang manatiling malakas ang mga mahal ko sa buhay, hangga't hindi ko pa natutupad ang lahat ng mga pangarap ko.
At hindi na mangyayari 'yon. Dahil hindi na maibabalik ang mga taong dahilan kung bakit ako nangangarap.
Bakit kaya palagi na lang akong iniiwan ng mga taong pinapahalagahan ko?
It's been two weeks since mama died. I've been having series of attacks. My body's freezing, na akala mo isang bangkay na ipinasok sa freezer. I'm screaming, crying, even hitting my own head with this disgusting hands. Repeatedly, I was hitting my head, pero pinagtataka ko, kahit paulit ulit kong iuntog ang ulo ko, mas masakit pa rin ang puso ko. Weird.
I was so furious even though I can't breathe. Suddenly my jaws were locked. Still screaming while they're locked. I can't breathe. I'm feeling numb. My body's paralyzed? I don't want this. Please, I want to die, not to suffer. Please, give my mother back. Please.
I'm starting to cry. Nagpapanic ang isip ko. Lalong hindi ako makahinga. What's wrong with me? What's my name? What's my age? What the hell is a weirdo like me doing here? What the hell is this hell? Please, don't give me that relaxant, give me a coffin, I wanna die. Please.
"Pa, may I ask, bakit hindi mo tinuloy yung legal separation niyo ni mama?", I asked him as I sip my coffee, looking at him while he looks outside the window.
Humarap siya at ngumiti ng mapait. I haven't seen my dad happy. But my stepmom made him. I love my stepmom, she gives strength to the person who makes me strong.
She deserves my dad more than me. Nakakahiya ang sarili ko. Mismong anak niya, hindi kayang tulungan siya. Sa dinami dami ng mga rason na tulungan ko siya, kahit isa sa mga ito hindi nakapag-motivate sa akin para tulungan siya.
"Cause I've made a promise. She love me so much, she even sacrificed her happiness for me. I already broke a thousand of promises to her, at gusto kong tuparin kahit isa man lang sa mga iyon. Pinangako ko sa kanya, bago ko pa siya pakasalan, na gagamitin niya ang apilyido ko for the rest of our lives.", he said while smiling.
Siguro nga hindi lahat ay para sa happy ending. Life's fair. Because it is unfair to everybody.
"Dad, what if sumunod na 'ko kay mama? Would that make you happy?", I said at him while smiling. I deserve to be unlove. Tutal hindi ko naman magampanan ng maayos ang pagiging anak ko, what if mawala na lang ako ng parang isang bula? Mukhang mas mapapakinabangan pa ko kung wala ako.
"Anak, you know that it will just worsen the situation. Please, ikaw na lang ang meron ako. Pati si tita mo. And I can't afford to loose another heartbreak.", he pleaded. I didn't undestood him though. I'm just feeling numb again, at unti-unting nauubos ang mga bagay na gusto kong salitain.
"Dad, I thought you wanted to make mama happy? Bakit ayaw mo pumayag na sumunod na ko sa kanya? Mag-isa na lang siya sa heaven. Gusto ko siya masamahan dun.", ani ko na parang bata. I didn't fully understand. Akala ko ba mahal niya si mama? Eh bakit hinahayaan lang niyang mag-isa si mama ngayon? Gusto ko na rin tumawid sa kabilang buhay, para hindi na siya mag-isa. Dahil alam ko ang pakiramdam ng mag-isa. And it hurts me everytime.
"You'll understand soon. Have some rest anak. You need it.", he said while patting my head. I can feel his protection, specially when he kisses my forehead. I want everything to begin again at a normal pace.
BINABASA MO ANG
Post Scripts
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