Mujer Desinteresada

Preface

Nakakapagod... Pagod na pagod na ako sa lahat, pwede bang mawala sa mundong 'to kahit isang araw lang?

Masyadong maraming nangyari ngayong araw, una ay ang pagsigaw sigaw sa akin ng Mommy ko at ang paulit-ulit niyang pagbanggit na isa lang akong disappoinment sa pamilya nang late akong naka attend sa meeting sa VSA, the most luxurious fashion brand this year. I have my reasons though, but she didn't hear me out kaya tinanggap ko nalang lahat ng sermon...

She was so mad and I can't remember how many times she said how unprofessional and undeserving I was to be the company's CEO. A position I didn't dream to have in the first place.

Pagak akong tumawa bago lakas loob na lumagok ng alak. I know this is not me. I don't drink... I'm not a fan of clubs either! Pero sa oras na marinig ko ang mga huling katagang galing kay Mommy nang sandaling makalabas ako ng opisina niya ay ang nagtulak sa akin upang uminom at manatili rito nang ayain ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Gusto kong lang makalimot kahit saglit kasi ubos na ubos na ako tapos may dumagdag pa...

I'm getting married to a man I don't even know.

"Of course, of course! My daughter will marry your son. What? Yes, she agreed! She said she likes your son, too!"

She didn't say it directly to me because she was talking to someone on the phone but I'm hundred percent sure. Sinabi niyang pumayag ako kahit hindi naman...

I heard it clearly. Ikakasal na ako.

I want to curse so bad, cry out loud and shout how hurt I am right now but I can't.

I looked at my friends who were beside me; busy drinking their favorite liquors while laughing with some unfamiliar people beside them. They look genuinely happy unlike me. I shook my head.

No. I can't be vulnerable here... Crying is not my thing especially when they are around. They shouldn't know what Allianna Rei Villiaga Lim's life is like. They... They shouldn't know that this angelic smile they always see, is just a facade to deceive them on what I really feel everytime my heart shatters in pieces.

I know why my parents didn't tell me about that marriage because they knew that I will say yes without hesitation. Alam na alam nilang papayag ako sa lahat ng gusto nila.

Why? Because I'm Allianna and I crave for their love and attention.

They used my weakness. Again.

Marriage is a big deal for me, sobra. Sinong ba ang babaeng ayaw makasal? Maaring meron, pero hindi ako. Gustong gusto kong maranasan ang lumakad sa altar suot suot ang eleganteng gown patungo sa lalaking mahal mo. Sa lalaking makakasama mo hanggang sa pagtanda. Pero sa sitwasyon ko, sino ang gugustuhin pang ikasal? Ikasal sa lalaking ni hindi ko nga alam kung sino at hindi ko naman mahal.

I lifted the glass of whiskey again and tasted it in my mouth. I didn't care about the taste, all I want right now is to find him. The man that I only love. The man that I only want to marry. The man.. The man who left me 8 years ago. Hayden Jarvis C. Silvestre.

Siya lang ang lalaking gusto kong makasama habang buhay at pinaghahawakan ko lahat ng pangako niya. Kaya kahit umalis siya at iniwan ako ay eto pa rin ako, naghihintay sa pagbalik niya sa akin. At ngayong ikakasal na 'ko, alam ko sa sarili ko na papayag ako para sa kagustuhan ng mga magulang ko. Pero... Baka maaring may magbago kung sakaling makita ko siya.

He's in Monaco, that's the only thing I know. Wala na akong balita sa kaniya simula no'n. I wonder... Ako pa rin ba? Mahal pa kaya niya ako? Kasi ako siya pa rin. Siya pa rin talaga. Wala, e. Tinamaan...

Wala sa sariling tumayo ako mula sa couch at dinampot ang clutch bag sa gilid.

"Where are you going?" agad na tanong ni Kevin, a special friend of mine. Tumayo rin siya para alalayan ako dahil halata nang may tama na ako dahil sa alak.