bursts

paragraphs of thoughts

if i've written a thousand words, only one has been shared. i delete and i edit and i hide and i run. nothing stays untouched, i measure twice and cut once, every thread and every letter.

anxious about punctuation and emojis and emoticons. how will this be received? and what time do i have to go to bed to get 9 hours of sleep? and is this considered spam, am i bothering them?

i make half-decent playlists for hours and never listen to them. candles that work and then try to add something and that ruins it. i wrap the first gift well but the other are never the same. i wait months to collect enough material for a corkboard but let it sit on the floor. i waste more time writing this instead or working out or fixing my hair or doing homework.

i call myself passionate, i feel everything 10x. i try my hardest and perfect what i can and cry about what it does to me in my room, in my words.

i am not good at flowery prose, and maybe that is what makes my poetry mediocre. my stories dry, never to see the light of another's eyes. it's all 3rd (that one poem was actually 2nd, so mild and meh even i couldn't remember), probably 10th place. not worthy of attention.

it's strange, my worst fears are mediocrity and isolation. i would rather have you hate everything i do than be indifferent to it, and i am not afraid to tell you so.

no one has to understand me, but they may as well accept me for what i am. that's a lot of things, though. i am kind and a dick and sometimes i don't care about anything, detached to it all. i am the side character with one line, the best friend left behind, not the last for anything but never the first.

i hope you don't hate me, now that you've really met my mind.

this is one long rant/vent/freewrite and have no idea why i did it or why i'm posting it or if it's poetry. i'm tired of thinking though, so i'll do it anyway.

please do let me know if any of this makes sense (literally any comment would make my day, even if it's negative or in emojis), and have a nice day/evening/night.