𝙗𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨 (𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚) || hsmtmts au

40. every second of every day

R I C K Y 'S P O V

i sigh when nini slams the door, not even surprised in the least bit that that didn't go well at all.

i mean..yeah.

her reaction is one thousand percent valid, and it's my fault she feels that way. which sucks. and it's not even my intrusive thoughts telling me that-no, this time it's literally all my fault. i'm not gonna sit here and pretend like it's not to make myself feel better, because i deserve to feel terrible for this. because i did do something bad. and it's not even a big misunderstanding, or like i don't know what i did.

because i do.

and i could sit here and try and convince you and myself that it didn't matter, because i didn't have a choice. but i did. no, i definitely have a choice-i just have all shitty options to pick from.

it's either go to california like i always wanted (except without my other half) and try to get over this, tell nini how i feel and risk ruining everything, or go to new york with her and e.j and keep the cycle of horribleness going.

all terrible options that backed me into a corner, and now we're here.

i just wish i could do something to help her not feel so bad about it. i mean, she's nini. i just know right now she's probably finding a way to blame herself for everything. but it's not like i can just go over and comfort her this time, because i'm the reason she's hurting. which feels so weird to acknowledge, but it's true. i'm sure she wouldn't want to see me anyway, i know i wouldn't. i'm an actual piece of shit-no better than e.j, that's for sure. at least e.j actually had the balls to tell nini how he felt, and i don't blame her for going back to him. e.j and gina had the confidence to do what i couldn't, and now they're both happy.

sure, gina didn't get with nini, but ever since she started living with ashlyn to finish school, she's seemed weirdly happy. i've heard people say they're a thing, but no one actually knows if that's just a creepy rumor e.j and the boys made up or something.

i don't know though, i mean, they're basically polar opposites. gina's a bitch (i mean that in a good way though, don't get me wrong) and i don't think ashlyn even has the capability to not be as nice as humanly possible to everyone. they wouldn't have became close friends in the first place had gina not been in love with nini.

if i hadn't danced with nini at the spring fling before gina could get to her, ashlyn wouldn't have gone to comfort her (again, being as nice as she is).

but it doesn't matter. what matters is that i took too long to tell nini how i felt, and now it's just too late. it'd just make everything worse if i told her now. i know that probably doesn't make any sense, but just think about it.

there are two ways it could go:

1. i tell nini how i feel and she rejects me, which would make things weird and awkward and terrible (and break my heart, obviously).

2. i tell nini how i feel and in the unlikely event that she feels the same way..i don't even know. then she'd have to deal with e.j, whether to break up with him or not, then having to actually break up with him months before going to the same college as him-and then what happens? i'd have to tell her about how gina and i's relationship was fake and only happened to make her jealous, because i just couldn't lie to her like that if we were going to be together.

and even then, if everything magically worked out, what would happen if something went wrong? i mean, it'd be everything i've ever wanted, but what if it doesn't last? what if she just wakes up one day and stops loving me out of nowhere? you know how absolutely terrifying that is to think about? i mean, what if-

my thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell ringing downstairs. i immediately rush down, thinking it's my dad who probably forgot his keys inside or something.

instead i open the door to see nini, fidgeting with one of the many friendship bracelets she wears on her wrists. she instantly throws herself at me and wraps her arms around my neck in a hug.

she sniffles, "i'm so sorry, please don't hate me. i didn't mean to be all dramatic like that, i wasn't thinking right and overreacted-"

"what?! no, nins, if anything you underreacted. i'd punch me in the face if i were you, i deserve it." i pull away a little just to make eye contact with her.

"no you don't. if you think that going there is going to make you happy..then i'm happy for you, okay?"

"really?"

"really, i promise. i mean yeah, of course i don't want to just see you on holidays, i hate that. i hate everything about not seeing you every single day. but i care more about you than i do about me, and if going to california is your thing then that's your thing, ricky. i'm not going to stop you, that would make me an awful best friend."

i grin into her as i hug her tighter, burying my face into her neck.

"i still feel terrible, though..i mean, i told you-"
"don't sweat it, it's okay. i guess we're just going to have to spend every second of every day in the summer together to make up for it."

i smile, "i like the sound of that."