𝙗𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨 (𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚) || hsmtmts au

33. taxes and laundry

tw; anxiety and descriptions of eating disorders (if that's triggering for you then u can totally skip this chapter, it's not too important to the overall plot).

a/n

also pls remember that skinny does not equal pretty!! that's just nini's terrible mindset at the moment because of all the manipulation she's been through, but all bodies are beautiful so don't listen to that pls. i obviously in no way endorse any of that, and i'm not trying to "romanticize it" because it's obviously super serious and not good. i just want u all to know that if you're going thru that sort of thing it's completely okay and more common than u think, and if u need to talk i'm here lol. but yeah huge TW for this one so be careful :)

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N I N I 'S P O V

NINI's HOUSE, 11:37 PM

i swipe my forehead off as i mix the brownie batter in the big metal bowl in front of me on the kitchen counter, stirring with a rubber spatula. obviously it isn't for me, i'd get fat if i ate that. i know seb, gina, and ricky all like them though, so this is what i'm doing in my kitchen this late at night (because i can't sleep).

look-i know e.j and i aren't together anymore, okay? i know that i don't have to keep doing this to myself. but..there's just this little part of me in the back of my head that's constantly replaying everything he'd tell me still, you know? like..all the times where he'd notify me if i was eating too much. i just have this little e.j voice in my head every time i try and eat like a normal person now. it also replays every single time i'd get so excited and relieved when i'd weigh myself and see that i'd lost a pound or two just from..you know-which isn't helping.

but i'm not stupid, okay? i know it's not the healthiest way to be pretty. a part of me deep down knows that. but the other part (the part that's constantly conscious of everything he'd say to me) just doesn't care. because it's working, and i just can't stop-even if i wanted to.

i mean, believe me; if i could eat these brownies myself and be happy and go off to bed, i would. i so would. but looking at the brownie batter (that normally i would love) on my hand, the thought of licking it off...i just can't bring myself to do it.

so i won't.

it's not that bad, though. it pays off every time i look in the mirror and see that i'm getting closer and closer to how i want to look, so it's..it's really not that big of a deal. eventually i'll be pretty, and then maybe people will like me. then i'll be able to maybe like myself.

but until then, i'll just bake the people i love their favorite deserts and smile, because other people seem to like the things i give them. it makes me happy to see other people happy.

.•.•.•.•

i'm about to take the brownies out of the oven when i hear my phone ring from the counter, walking over to see who it is.

"hey, mike?" i say when i pick up the phone, resting it in between my jaw and my shoulder as i take the brownie pan out.

"hey, nin-sorry, did i wake you up?! i didn't.."

"no, no, you're good! what's up?"

"i wouldn't have called this late if it weren't important, but ricky.."