Let It Be Me

Part 11

Leaving the DX without saying a word to Ponyboy was the wrong move. Not only did I feel like a complete jerk but I knew I was going to have to explain that to Soda on Monday. The truth was it was just too much to add him to the mix of everything else that was going on in my head at that moment. I couldn't handle it. But grabbing my check and walking out the door felt way too close to the last time I had walked out on him. All the positive feelings that had started to unearth in the time I had spent with Johnny were slowly getting kicked under the dirt again. I was starting to remember why I had such a hard time looking in the mirror.

I shivered a little and zipped my sweatshirt up to my chin. My heart hurt. I had been walking the streets alone for years but it had never felt this lonely before. More than anything I just wanted to see Johnny. I missed him like he was a part of my body that had been ripped away, even though I knew that was ridiculous. We hadn't spent that much time together. It didn't make any sense to feel that way.

"It was just a moment of stupidity. It didn't mean nothin'"...His words repeated in my head. The casual way he had said it was still underscored in my mind. I thought I had sensed something more when he brought up Pony and I ending up together. Did I? Maybe I had imagined everything. Maybe I wanted him to return my feelings so badly that I started to see something I wanted to see.

I thought back to every nuance of the night before and this morning. All I could see was the way he had looked at me on the bus. The protective way he had pulled me behind him when Buck asked about me. His grin at breakfast. The way he grabbed my hand in the car and told me he was right there with me when I was in the grips of a panic attack. I remembered the soft kisses that had trailed across my neck. His breathless voice telling me how beautiful I was. It all sounded so romantic but maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just a guy being nice to me who got caught up in a "moment of stupidity" like he said. The thought of that somehow pulled him farther away from me and my eyes filled to overflowing from the pain it left me with. I took a breath and cursed myself out under my breath.

I had cashed my check and grabbed a coffee and some cigarettes at the counter at Paxton's and, having nowhere else in particular to go, I decided to take the long way to my house. I hadn't spent any time at home other than to shower at night because every minute I spent in there felt unsafe. Like Lois was about to jump out at me from around every corner. I couldn't relax. But I was so exhausted today, mentally and physically, that I didn't have the energy to be scared. I just desperately wanted to do something normal. Like make a bowl of soup and watch TV. The draw of having just an ordinary day was overwhelming.

I dropped my cigarette onto the driveway and crushed it under my sneaker, taking a second to glance around the house in the same paranoid way I looked around every time I got here. As always, there was no sign of anyone.

Someone had been there at some point the week before though. They had put a padlock on the door and I'd been forced to climb in through my bedroom window ever since. This time when I grabbed the milk crate that I used as a step ladder and came around the side of the house though I nearly fell backwards from the heart attack that was waiting there for me.

"Figured I might find you here" Danny said sliding his hands into his back pockets.

I put my hand over my heart to stop it from pounding out of my chest and stared at him. Once I caught my breath again I started making the switch from scared to angry. For the love of God, all I wanted was one normal day. Just one. I picked up the crate again and made my way around him.

"Get lost, Danny. I'm in no mood." He watched me drop the box to the ground and step up on it. I struggled to slide the swollen wooden frame of the window open.

"I'm not here for myself" he said dryly.

"No? Who are you here for then? Me?" He shook his head.