Just A Nerd

Chapter Fifteen

JENNIE

"Look like, you are drinking too much at your graduation ceremony already, Jennie." Rosé pats me on the back as if she knows what I am feeling right now while I cling to the glass of liquor, and the truth is I don't want anyone to know how terrible I feel, and whoever I am thinking about at this very day, the day I finally finished my college years without a shadow of that person in my life.

How can someone be that cruel to leave the person that they claim to always love, without even a word?

How can I be so stupid to believe that in this world, there is a fairy tale for the prince and princess to be, and true love will prevail over everything?

"Come on, bestie. I am just happy to be a graduate with honor. My speech today was fabulous, and everyone seemed to agree with me." I laugh before continuing, "if you want to be a good student, then no love! Don't love anyone. No one loves you enough to stay with you because love is just temporary, and one day, it will hurt you, and you won't recover, so you-" I try my best to repeat the speech I said this morning to nearly a thousand other students in the room, and everyone clapped their hands after the speech.

The speech was smooth and coherent and articulate enough for everyone to understand even though I didn't even prepare for it.

They think I was preparing for it, but I hadn't done any of that.

I just came up to the stage with my parents smiling proudly at me, taking a few pictures.

Then, I imagined a problem, or rather a person concerning my life so long, and poured all of my emotion, my frustration, and my anger toward the innocent while painful thing called 'love'. Not all of the audiences agreed with my idea, so I don't want to contaminate their mind with harsh love all the time. That's why I told them my motivation for studying hard and being conscientious. The same and only person that fixed me and broke me the most.

People think I am lucky to have that person inspire me to be myself and to work as hard as I could, but only a couple of people know who I am talking about.

You see, Rosé and Jisoo are still together. Even though they broke up a few times in their college years, they never abandoned one another till today. Sometimes, I got jealous, seeing them that strong. I can't help but feel bad about my fate.

"Jennie..." Calling my name softly, Rosé hugs me firmly as I try my best to pull away and drink more. Alcohol seems to be my coping mechanism lately when I miss that particular person. Normally, I don't drink and possibly hate it because in the morning I know I will pay the price, but I can't help it. It still hurts me like it happened just yesterday when she left us, left me like we are strangers, like I am just a stranger to her, not someone she claimed to love forever.

Does she love me at all?

That question always hurts me most when I miss her. How can someone love you and leave you to be alone in one of the challenging times ever?

College might be happy, but it's so damn cruel if you are lonely, when you feel lonely. Even though Jisoo and Rosé seem to be a big part of my life, but I hate to admit that no one can fill the void inside my heart.

"You change...a lot." Jisoo says behind us. After her friend left, she became close to me. She's also my best friend now, whom I can rely on, but sometimes, I don't like her sharp tongue. She tells the truth, and it's said 'the truth hurts you more than anything else, sometimes.'

I pull back from her girlfriend successfully as the latter moves to sit on the barstool beside me. We rarely enter this kind of place, but today we do because we want to celebrate our day here. It's full of carefree activities, and I love that no one would look into my eyes and see the pain there.

I am free here.

"I know." I answer, smiling unlikely due to the alcohol I have consumed since we arrived.

"Jennie, we know where she is now. Why don't we just go there and confront her?" My friend suggests as I shake my head rapidly in denial. "She's happy now. Let her be." I gulp the whole amount of martini inside my throat, letting it burn the pain away.

A few weeks ago, we went on vacation near our high school. The place is cool and relaxing until Jisoo pointed at the old woman about my mother's age.

"It's aunt Dara," Jisoo said excitedly. Frowning in anticipation, I asked. "Who is she?"

"Lisa's aunt."

That's when I knew where she went and why she did that.

She followed her dream.

How can I be so selfish to get angry at her, right?

But it's so damn hurt!

It's the day—that I realize I am not her dream. She chased hers, and I don't have mine to chase because she brings all my dream and fantasies with her, so I have no choice but to bury myself in studying.

For four years, I didn't hang out with anyone besides the two friends I have from high school because I was afraid that somebody would remind me of her, of us.

The pain is always there when I see couples' studying together, hanging out together after a ton of schoolwork, sleeping on each other's lap, and all the sweet stuff I hate and love seeing them doing at the same time.

It brought me memories and the unattainable hope of her suddenly coming back to me in one of the four years.

She never did.

Until the day, I met her aunt.

She asked who I was to Lisa.

She knew Jisoo. God, she even knew Rosé, but she didn't know me. It means Lisa never mentioning me to her only relative, of whom Jisoo told me about.

"She might have already graduated too. We should-"

I raise my hand up to stop whatever nonsense they want me to do, "Don't! Don't bring it up again. I don't want to hear her name again. It still hurts, but I will move on and...forget her existence."

"When, then?" Rosé asks, challenging me when I look away.

"I don't know when, but I will." Then, I leave the bar.

I am wrong.

The alcohol can't help me.

It makes my condition of missing that creature worse than ever, especially on the day like this.