𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐍. ˢᵖᵃᵐ // ᴾᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡ

2021.

Hi.

I hate new year's eve. 

It's not like my country is the most festive about it if we don't count la bourgeoisie that goes feral this special night and adds to the rate of accidents and DUIs in our country. I also have personal reasons that just makes it hard for me to like the night of December 31st.

Well, this year, I have decided to put my emotions aside and try to make resolutions. I have never had year resolutions, but my sister recommended them for me a month ago and I don't think I will lose anything to try. 

I have to say, I can't think about 2021 before I finish addressing 2020. 

2020 was trash.

It was a bad year. At least, the first half of it. I had to move schools and change classes and get betrayed by "friends" and get used for other people's benefits and get dragged to filth during a school trip. I had my fair part of mental breakdowns and disappointing nights.

Then, March 16th happened and I remember it being Friday after I finished taking a nap when I heard about the sudden news of everything shutting down and the rumors of a total lockdown becoming true. 

Everyone was scared, worried, and concerned. God, the grocery stores were going crazy.

And then there was me, happy with the idea that I won't have to go to school again and put myself down for people to step higher. 

Sorry, mum. Sorry, siblings. I know I always acted like quarantine was being an ass to me but it really wasn't.

I was OVERJOYED to finally have time to consider where I was going in life because I have been lost for so long and it was time I started figuring out things.

I didn't figure out shit.

But, hey, amidst my confusion, I was able to reconnect with NCTzen Wattpad. 

And I started making friends.

Then, I gathered the courage to publish my first book, now deleted.

Then, a few months after, I published an apply fic and that was the best decision I have made in 2020. And, God, if I could have the chance to say this to 26th July me who almost passed away from panic and annoyed her younger sister for nothing so I can spare myself the emotional trouble I put myself through.

Wait, actually, even if I was given the opportunity to do so, I won't take it. Because I thought of rejection and failure that I can now cherish the comments and votes fully.

The parenting 101 cast and readers blessed my life since that night in August and it's like they came together to bring me happiness in my most obscure moments. Their votes, their comments, their remarks, their humor, I would gladly pass any million-seller book and instead, read and laugh and wheeze at the brilliant observations of the P101 readers. 

Thank you, Parenting 101 readers, for I have found peace in your words when mine brought me violence.

My sunshine, eunpoppy I wish you could see yourself how I see you: A small beautiful strong girl who doesn't have to change herself for others. You are so fun to converse with, you are very curious and I always feel like I'm talking to a real younger sister🥺✨💙

icouldcarelessss  Hi, Miss America. You're so funny, intellectual for liking Chain, smart, and beautiful. Ugh, queen! Ngl, it was so hilarious how I found you on Insta through an nct fanpage when you commented about having a Renjun meme as your pfp on Wattpad. I remember going: "That's so random, a person who likes Chain as much as I do, started reading P101 the other day and they also have Renjun Smurfette as their pfp", then I looked at the username and went: "Wait👁👄👁" IT WAS YOU. Let's talk more! 💙💕💙💕💙