Alone Together (Jasper Hale)

29: realization.

Figures. I'm the bad guy 'cause I can't learn to trust. Love, figures. You say sorry once and you think it's enough.

The first few weeks were difficult for Bella.

Much like I did for my mother, I kept a watchful eye for her at a safe distance. I chose to stay in the house that was meant for Jasper and I... after many renovations. Bella didn't know the location of that house but I had seen her visit the Cullen residence plenty of times. The anguish she felt was heart wrenching. Much like the pain I used to feel. I wanted to reach out to her but Edward wouldn't allow. Frankly, I didn't trust myself to be near her. It's not like I knew their exact location but something tells me if she knew Europe was enough, she'd book the first plane ticket out of Forks. She became recluse and I'd witness her sit on her chair staring out the window for hours upon hours. There wasn't much else I was comfortable in doing for her. I'd felt that pain before and she needed to go through it herself.

I didn't know when I'd see the Cullens again, if ever. So I didn't want her hopes up if she'd see me at any point. The first day I had spent without Jasper was a whirlwind of emotions. A rollercoaster if you will. The  ascension was the freedom of the emotional abuse I had gone through; finally free from his grasp. The drop when I fell into the water was both liberating but when I hit the cold water, it reminded me I was alone again. 

For the longest time I had spent comfortable as a nomad. Meeting other vampires and flittering through life with little to no care. When life was simple and I didn't care for anything but myself. When there was no one left in the world for me to care or feel for. Before I found out Emmett was alive, and before I discovered my mate. Before I knew what having a coven could entail. The sense of security and the familial comfort. Before I grew comfortable living my eternal life with another being. I was perfectly content with living by myself before Jasper came into the picture. I cursed whoever discovered a thing called bonds and mates. When the only person I owed my feelings and actions to were myself.

After living a couple decades with the mentality I had someone to consider; it was difficult to rewire myself. I hadn't jumped back into feeding on humans but the thought had crossed my mind plenty. After I spent the first several days hysterically sobbing at the departure of my mate, a decision I made, I made a promise to myself to not dwell over the past. Whether we were fated to be together or not no longer mattered. If he sought the happiness he wanted in front of me, I should be able to do the same guilt-free. I grew tired of the helplessness and sadness that always invaded me. I used to be happier and freer than what Jasper had put me through for the better half of the year.

I resigned to my fate for a man who no longer cared for my well being the way I did his.

As foolish as it may sound, and juvenile, I wanted to become who I used to be. The girl who had just turned and didn't care for anyone else but her own survival. Because mate or not, I would still die alone if that day were to ever come. Since then, I hadn't sobbed over a failed relationship. Mates and love were beyond being together. That's what I had begun telling myself. 

The leaves crunched beneath me as I walked the clearing on a plain, beautiful day. Not a cloud in the clear blue sky, an easy day to hunt. Embarrassingly enough, my mind was loitered with all types of thoughts and memories I tried to repress. I hadn't realized I crossed the border until the rancid smell of wet dog filled my nostrils. My nose scrunched in disgust as I looked up to the large beast that growled before me. Its one paw alone as big as my chest. I snarled back and bared my teeth.

"It was an accident." I hissed as I began to step back. I didn't want to disrespect the treaty that the Cullens originated with their ancestors decades ago. Despite my secession from them, it was something to not trifle with. One good thing about any group was the strength in numbers. No longer did I have that. The dog could call his packmates any time soon and it'd be over for me. One I could handle, if even one more shows up; I'm screwed. The wolf continued to growl even though I was well behind the agreed upon border. I stood up straighter knowing he couldn't touch me even if he wanted. "Good day to you sir." I bowed obnoxiously with a smirk on my face as I leisurely walked the other way. Another growl escaped the mutt's lips. I enjoyed taunting him. Maybe they could be my new form of entertainment.