Tender (A britpop era fiction)

Where Is My Mind?

„Damon talks rather openly about his struggles with fame back in the day."

„He does." I nod. „I appreciate him for it. No one would've said it back then but we all had our own demons, Damon maybe the most – because at this time he was the most famous. It was a few days after Girls and Boys was released and a few weeks short from the single Parklife. The pressure that was put on him – mostly was put on him by himself – was a lot to handle."

„Damon later stated that ..." Matt takes a moment to look for the right quote.

„It's well documented that I said before, without her, I don't think I'd survive it. Being with her, being loved by her, it...she helped me, more than she knows. No matter what happened between us since, I hold her in the highest regard for that."

Matt looks up. „That was from an interview in 1998. You weren't in a relationship anymore and he still said something like that."

„He's a romantic really." I mumble. I'm not here to discuss Damons feelings for me. I'm certain about them. It's no one elses business.

„So what happened that night in the Hacienda?"

The room seems empty. I grab the door handle and already turn around to leave again, when I see something moving in the corner of my eye. I tilt my head and behind the desk, near the opposite wall I can see something moving – someone.

For a moment, I stand perfectly still. Even my heart skips for a beat.

„Damon?"

The strangled voice doesn't seem to be my own.

He's pressed against the wall, half lying, half sitting. Hands clenched around his knees. He's not looking at me but his eyes are wide open, staring into a cold, bottomless abyss in front of him. Never have I seen such an amount of terror mirrored in someone elses face.

I hurry over, fall down on my knees next to him.

„Damon?" I whisper, but there's no reaction. Confused, not knowing what to do I take him by the shoulders, try to shake him a bit. Immediately I feel like an idiot. A shiver has taken him over and helpless I watch him getting pressed down by it like a giant, invisible fist.

An ambulance. Someone needs to get help. Immediately.

But I don't dare to let go of him, afraid he might break apart in the middle. The shiver becomes a tremble and putting my hand against his chest, his heart pumps against his ribs like a bird lusting for freedom.

The ultimate freedom.

His body's shaking more and more under my hands. Panic creeps up my back as I realize that in his own head, Damons gonna stop breathing or his heart's gonna stop beating any moment. And who says he won't do that for real any moment?

„Damon, please, look at me." I put myself in front of his gaze and a little flickering behind his eyes tell me he's not completely vanished in this state.

„Damon" I take his face in my hands and cup his burning hot cheeks. He's in a fever, something that'll take him. A blackout not of the body, but of the mind.

„I was in the country side, can ya imagine? Soft hills around me and fields, greening so green as-" I try to remember the saying from the My Fair Lady movie. „It greens so green..." I hum the melody from the song. Damon's still shaking under my fingertips.

„And between the hills, along a small way, there's a windmill on the hill. You can see it, sure you can. A red building with white sails. The sails are a bit broken but when the wind's blowing through them, they still move, turning slowly. They'll turn forever, welcoming us, you and me. When the earth crumbles beneath us, even when the sky falls down, they'll still turn for us, you understand that?" I tighten my grip around his face, make him look at me again.