Tender (A britpop era fiction)

A Little Message

A little warning: I'm going to talk about some pretty heavy stuff in this text,, esp. death of a beloved person, trauma etc. If you don't feel up to it, for your own good, consider if you want to read it. The short version is, I had a terrible year and went into a hellhole mentally, but I'm slowly doing better.

Hello guys,

After all these months I finally feel like it's the right time to call in here and and set a few things right. Because the response to this story, even after all this time has been amazing and people are still writing me when or if I will continue, I want to give a few explanations. 

First of all, I'm so, so sorry I didn't update for all this time. This story has never really left my mind and I'm determined to finish it - whenever that is going to be, only the stars know. But I just couldn't, couldn't carry on as I wanted to. A lot of things happened this year that made it impossible. Since I think it's always better to be honest and this is an anonymous platform, I can tell you about it without fear of any consequences in my personal life. 

This past few months have been the toughest I've ever lived through. I don't tend to use superlatives, but it's been beyond awful and at some point it felt like everything around me was falling to pieces and I couldn't do anything to stop it. 

At the beginning of the year, our family was taking in my mums godmother and her daughter and little son from Ukraine. As you all know, the war made it neccessary for them to flee the country and we took them into our home. Witnessing what they are going through, them not knowing how their own families and friends are in the Russian occupied cities, how their husband and father is and how they deal with their own trauma, it was a lot. They have their own flat now and try to adjust but it's been hard on everyone and often we felt so helpless. I can't even begin to imagine how they must feel all the time.

It seems insignificant in comparison, but uni has been very stressful. I went into big academic trouble, doubting myself and my choice of subject and falling behind on practically everything. I'm in regular contact with my advisor now and things are slowly getting better, but I had an awful summer. It feels like I didn't have a summer at all, just drowning day by day in uni work. I wanted to write in that time but everytime I sat in front of my laptop, nothing would happen. Which stressed me out even more. 

As if that's not enough, around that time my boyfriend broke up with me. We've been together for only about a year, I know that's not long, but the break-up hit me out of nowhere. I had no idea he was feeling the way he did, because I was very happy. And I still love him, that didn't go away because he decided he didn't want this relationship anymore. Some days it feels like it's tearing me apart. It's awful to want someone and you know this person has deliberately decided against you. I'm trying to accept that, but the truth is I feel guilty. I was so focused on me and my feeling I didn't even realize what happened with him. 

And then, two months ago, my whole world fell apart when my mother passed away. She's been ill for a while now, but still it happened so fast and my sister and I were...well, you can imagine. Or you can't, both is fine. I hope to God none of you know how that feels because that means you haven't gone through it and I hope you all can still hug your mums. Some days I can't accept this is my new reality now. I take my phone and want to call mum when something funny happened in uni. I want to call her when I hear a new song I particulary like. I want her to tell me she's proud of me, she's trusting me, she loves me. You don't even realize all the small things you'll miss until you miss them for the first time. 

To end this on a less depressing note: Two good things happened too. I got an internship I really, really wanted and it was great. Everything I imagined and more. I think I'm finally figuring out the professional path I'll head for after uni. And despite all the crisis, maybe because of all this crisis, my sister and I grew remarkably close with our dad. We had a complicated relationship with him for as long as I can remember, but the last few months, he was always there when we needed him. I've learnt a few things I didn't know before and it feels like the right thing to let him more in that I was able to do before. 

But this doesn't change the fact that I haven't written for months. I want to slowly start again, because as I said, this story hasn't been out of my mind and heart. I love Claire, I love Damon and their kids and the Gallagher brothers and I love writing this story. I love exploring the dynamics and how the past creeps into your present, whether you want to or not. And I want all of you to enjoy this story. I also think that writing again will help me personally. But I'm asking you to give me time. I appreciate all your comments and messages asking when the story will continue and I promise, it will. No idea about the time though. And that's okay. 

So, after all, I hope you're all doing okay. Sorry for throwing this heavy package on you, hope the trigger warning was appropriate. I'm going to go now and work through some uni texts to have my evening off. 

Thanks for your loyalty over the last months. 

Lots of love,

Sally