Tender (A britpop era fiction)

Last Night I Dreamed That Somebody Loved Me

London, 2002

„I don't want to see you again."

Noels bright blue eyes meet mine, a reflection of my own, the undoubtable evidence of our relation, the steely, remarkable Gallagher blue. Mam has them, as does Paul, as does Liam. And Noel, my elder brother, my darling brother. Every possible emotion has run behind that eyes he has looked at me with for all my life. I remember him looking at me with adoration and love and also shooting gazes of sheer fury and pure annoyance in my direction. As siblings do, as people who love each other do.

But I've never seen such a coldness in his eyes as I do now.

„What have you become?" My voice threatens to crack. „I don't recognize you anymore."

„You heard me. Get the fuck out of my house and don't you fucking dare to show your face here again."

„Noel-"

„I swear to God, if you don't move I will call the police." Suddenly anger replaces my shock.

„So that's it for you, yeah? Cutting your own sister out of your life, just because I disagree with you?"

„You don't get it, do ya?" Noel stands up and grabs my arm with a violence I don't know of him and for a moment, I get afraid. Unable to defend myself I let him drag me to the door.

„You may fool everyone else Claire, but you fuckin' can't fool me. I'm sick of your lies and your secrecy. Go and get some fuckin' help but don't expect me to fuckin' help you. You don't deserve it, not like that."

„You fuckin' hypocrite!" I start yelling at him as he throws me out of the door. It's the final look he gives me I know I will never be able to forget. He's never looked at me with so much indifference. It hurts more than all the fury and anger and annoyance and dissapointment in the 34 years before.

I start banging against the dark woodened door.

„I hate you!" I yell. „I hate you, Noel Gallagher, I fuckin' hate you! Come out here you fuckin' bastard, come out here and fuckin' fight back you coward! I hate you! I hate you!" I scream and kick and bang against the door until my voice dies and all my energy has left me. Only then, I break down to the floor and start sobbing. The blind fury that has boiled through my veins has vanished and instead, heavy guilt weighs me down and makes it impossible to get on my feet. Nothing behind the door has even moved. Instead, a hand has wrapped around my shoulder and as I look up, I recognize a police officer.

„Mrs. Gallagher? You should come with us."

The cunt has called the police instead of coming out himself. That realization breaks something in me and without resistance I let the two police men bring me to their car. As we walk down the property I can almost sense a pair of blue, cold eyes in my back. But I don't turn around.

It's the moment I know I never will and never want to see Noel ever again.

The memories I've made in life sometimes run past my eyes like movies, as they probably do with all of us. And like some movies, I'd rather forget some of them. This moment with Noel is one of those. I would do a lot of things to forget what happened, to forget what I did and what he did. I know I can't change it and I know I'll never forget. The first I learned to accept, but the second is a different matter. Most days, my mind is far away from our sibling feud. I managed to make my days so busy between our family and my work that I barely think about it. Only when I have to do publicity work, giving interviews mostly, I use to get reminded that I have two brothers I don't talk to anymore.